It has come to my attention that my E-mail postings to the site are being monitored. Certainly hackers are attempting to hack this site on a regular basis.
As such I am porting this site to http://www.ntnbn.wordpress.com
There updates are done via a secure server. Please bookmark this new address.
Matt Black
At times of great upheaval it's essential to have safe haven. Some have likened things here to "Day Zero" in Cambodia when Pol Pot took over. I've spent the last 2 months abroad and have returned to find much blood on the carpet.
The old MD was removed following a boardroom coup (a golden parachute softened the blow .... Matt). The new MD is a property man and what was the Property Division is now the core of AV(2010)PLC. The waterways side is effectively outsourced as AV(Waterways). Other than the name the only thing we know about the latter is it will be run by the ex Director of Change Mandy Botes. (No surprise there then).
On the Cut boaters have reacted vociferously to the announcement that the system will be shut down completely from November through March each year to save money. For many this was the final straw. In the past 5 years mooring prices have escalated, then red diesel disappeared, now the license only buys 7 months boating!
AV(2010)PLC is now besieged by protesting boaters and snowed under with E-Mails and much critical correspondence. Looking back people will see the seeds of this discontent were sown in 2006 with the DEFRA fiasco. Boaters rediscovered the spirit of the 50s and 60s and decided that if it took direct action to preserve the System then so be it.
Meanwhile, the asset stripping of the waterside property portfolio continues apace. All the old assurances regarding "sympathetic development" are being trotted out by Hugh Baton but no one believes a word. Liquidating Assets as quick as possible is the prime directive now.
Ivory Towers is now a shadow of it's former self. The property functions have been relocated, but to where is not clear. How many people does it take to organise a "for sale" sign on a property? Not many. Most of the new Board seem to work from their "existing" offices. You can draw your own conclusions from that.
What is clear a small number of directors are going to get very rich, but the Cut will continue it's slide into disrepair (Anyone remember MG ?.... Matt ). After all how can you make money out of the canals ( to quote the new MD)?
I was sat in a canalside pub the other day sampling the local brew when a boater turned up with his dog, a lurcher. We got talking and I remarked that his dog was quite old. Yes came the reply from the boater, he doesn't walk far now, but he's happy living aboard and he can he can still lick his balls!
There really is no answer to that ........
It appears an employee of AV(2010)PLC ( who is on the redundancy list), decided to take the sort of action, at Kidderminster, that the management of AV should have organised years ago. (Perhaps they didn't have the balls.... Matt)
The chap in question, built up a stockpile of 50+ trolleys recovered from the nearby Cut and loaded them onto a tipper truck. In the early hours of Saturday morning he backed the truck up to the front doors of the offending store and dumped the lot!
Staff arriving at the store shortly before opening time were faced with a tangled mass of smelly, mangled, trolleys blocking the entrance. The store lost several hours trading as a result and the store manager was said to be furious.
A local boater photographed the proceedings, but confessed he thought his pictures might have suffered from camera shake. "I was laughing so much", he said "I should have used a tripod".
One area where AV(2010)PLC excels is self congratulation. This time it is Hugh Baton who gets most of the credit. What for you ask? In a document recently circulated to Board members Hugh was praised for his "control of the media". The MD's words no less. Hugh is known to have done deals with several editors of canal magazines such as Canalworld, but not many realize he also has done the same with one of the prominent canal web sites too.
Hugh feeds these tame editors snippets of information, of a trivial nature, but in return expects them to suppress other stories. If this fails, he told a senior manager, he slips them a juicy scoop which sends them off on the wrong tack. The real story AV wants to keep quiet, such as the closure of a boatyard, or the sale of canal-side property is then overlooked.
As Hugh said "I love it when a plan comes together".
I've always thought that bringing in management consultants is an admission that your own management is inept. Some are convinced consultants only say what the MD wants to hear. They don't get their invoices cleared otherwise! ( you are getting cynical.... Matt) .
The latest group of consultants floating around Ivory Towers are carrying out customer surveys, focus groups, interviews and the like to discover what the customers want, but more importantly, what the customers think of AV(2010)PLC. The budget for this is a cool £100k my informant in the Accounts Dept. tells me.
I would have thought standing a few selected managers by busy locks would have given them the information they seek. Many locks get 100+ boats per day through them so it wouldn't take long to get a meaningful sample of opinions.
Perhaps the reason this very cheap option is ignored is this. The last thing managers want these days is to meet customers i.e. boaters. Maybe I'm being charitable here. The lower ranks at AV have their own ideas. Some say the senior managers are chicken, others say they are afraid that a boater might stick a windlass in their hand and expect them to operate the lock!
I have had a number of complaints from people searching for moorings that some people are jumping the queue by buying a boat from AVML(2010)Ltd. The latter confirmed that buying a boat from their brokerage entitled the purchaser to apply for a mooring which would normally be forthcoming within 28 Days.
When I rang Hugh Baton for an official statement he gave this short answer. "So? What's the problem? People buy a boat from us and get a mooring....it's just good business as far as we are concerned."
A boater who complained didn't get any further than "If you think you have a case sue us".
(Private monopolies ! Matt)
Sorrel sauce - a sharp green sauce to serve with canal fish.
First drain the pound, (a short pound speeds up the process no end..... Matt), then scoop up those fish left floundering.
Gather some Sorrel (I know its a weed, but its a good weed)
Purée a handful of the chopped leaves in butter, and gradually stir stir in a small carton of cream.
Rub through a sieve and serve with your fish. (Unseived the mixture makes a perfect stuffing for trout, or other river fish.)
I never buy canal magazines such as Canal World any more, but I'm occasionally given a copy by another boater with instructions to "read article xxx and tell me what you think".
The article in question usually appears to be written by someone who cannot think of anything sensible to write on a canal related topic and creates numerous column inches worth of utter rubbish instead. I sometimes wonder if this is a cynical attempt to generate "feedback" from outraged and knowledgeable boaters to fill the letters page and thereby prove to their editors that people read "their" column. I hope editors will realise this type of journalism not only brings their publication into disrepute, but makes themselves and the generators of such rubbish, look complete idiots.
Editors please note. Folk on the Cut aren't stupid so please file this patronising rubbish where it belongs, on some write-only drive on your network. Please don't waste trees or our time trying to feed us crap.
Recently I found myself talking to a group of Americans, from a hire boat, who wanted to know if the boarded up site with razor wire topping at Castlemill was really the British equivalent of Guantanamo Bay as the graffiti suggested ! I was forced to recount the tale where BW closed down the boatyard, evicted the protesters, smugly claimed victory and then built the "compound" as it became known locally.
However, the protesters didn't let it rest there and did a deal with the local council to the effect that no planning permission for the site would be granted until the alternative facilities, promised by BW, came on stream. None did so the site has remained "blighted" ever since. Even the fencing, eyesore that it is, doesn't have planning permission..... it was just another example of BW over reacting.
AV(2010)PLC denies any responsibility for the situation regarding the Castlemill site, claiming it doesn't even own the site !
And so it goes on......
I was having a drink in a pub the other day, when I got talking to a chap who was a retired civil servant. He reminded me one can actually do something, or one can be seen to be doing something. The two are totally different but look the same to a casual observer. I would suggest AV's marina policy falls into the latter category i.e. going through the motions but achieving nothing.
If you were seriously trying to develop marinas, you would, by now, have identified a number of possible sites around the system and entered discussions with the planning departments of the Councils involved. Has this happened ? No. Planning permission is up to the developer AV maintains. Indeed, AV has suggested sites to developers near beauty spots so there is not a snowball's chance in hell of getting planning permission for a marina. Have any old gravel pits or the like been suggested..... not likely, something might happen.
AV has also hindered development by saying "traffic surveys" must be carried out to study the impact a proposed marina may have at a given location and this takes at least 12 months.
Why? Doesn't AV(2010)PLC already know where hold ups occur? Just ask the boaters or hire boats companies . They'll soon tell you, and it won't take 12 days let alone 12 months to collect the data.
Now, why should AV behave like this?
Remember AV has the monopoly of the mooring market and it's not in the interest of AV(2010)PLC to allow that position to be weakened..... Either that or they are just incompetent. Whichever is the case, the outcome is the same. Zilch.
"The best scam yet" was the phrase use by the AV(2010)PLC's Finance Director Hamish Sidebotham when referring to the introduction of the "AV Key" "They only cost us £10 each and we sell them for £100 so that's 100% profit ( Eh?....Matt) and a cool £2.5 million on the bottom line" he said. Who he was talking to in the Executive loo was not clear. He went on "I should have done it earlier" he said, "the marinas were on to that one years ago" he explained modestly.
The other day I bumped into Geoff Arbuthnott from the Northern Shires Division of AV. I congratulated him on his latest success, coming third in the All England Farting Championships held in Bolton, some would say, the Wimbledon of Competitive Farting. Geoff was killing time before a meeting so I played him back a few samples of farting I had obtained from the bug I had planted in the executive loo. In Geoff's expert opinion, the best of the samples showed considerable wind, good loudness, but poor control. No real talent was his conclusion. This confirmed what many in AV had thought for a while.
(The angry boater who described senior AV management as all p!ss and wind was therefore at least 50% correct?..... Matt)
Since the government jacked up the "Rubbish Tax" canal side rubbish disposal points have become prime targets for those wishing to avoid the tax. AV Rubbish disposal points are now considered high security areas. High fences topped with razor wire proved no deterrent as locals simply lobbed their rubbish over the top. In some areas cleansing operatives couldn't even find the skips as they were buried under a mountain of contraband rubbish.
Rubbish disposal points are now to be converted to concrete enclosures ("bunkers" to old farts who remember WW2..... Matt) with high strength steel doors and, of course the new AV high security locks. Tests have shown that only plasma cutters will cut the steel on the doors, and the use of such a device will trip the heat sensing alarms anyway. 24 Hour camera surveillance with motion detection is included as part of the security package.
Breaking into AV(2010)PLC headquarters and stealing all the PC's is a doddle by comparison according to the AV security consultant.
The Vole
One of the last vestiges of the BW Canal era is consigned to history says Hugh Baton. The "BW Key" will be replaced over the next 3 months with a new high security version. The "AV key" will cost £100 and only be available from AV offices or by post. The reason for this change is that every Tom, Dick or Harry could get hold of a BW key for around a tenner said Hugh and gain access to AV facilities
Whilst cruising about on the Mucky Duck, like one does, I had a trip up the Ashby canal via the Coventry. As regular readers will know one of the mainstays of my life afloat is finding a good canalside pub for a pie and pint ( plural surely... Matt) at lunchtime. Logistically this is becoming more difficult and as far as I am concerned a way of life is threatened. Mine!
Many of the canalside pubs I used to frequent, the Bull's head at Polesworth, The Kings Head at Atherstone and the Horse & Jockey Congerstone (Ashby Canal) no longer open at lunchtimes. the reason for this are various.
Congerstone is now a dormitory village and there is no one there during the day. House prices are such you need (at least) two incomes to live there. Atherstone is regarded as bandit country, so no one dare moor up. The Bull at Polesworth suffered through lack of custom 3 seasons of the year. These are not the only places to suffer this fate. I fear I detect a trend here.
So there you have it, first the canals loose their commercial traffic, then they become "dry" during the day, like North Wales on a Sunday. Ye Gods.......
During the middle of the last decade when BW was selling off canal side properties for residential development, (the dash for cash era... Matt), little did it realise the trouble this would bring for AV(2010)PLC in later years. A pattern has developed which appears to be common amongst all these developments.
Initially all is well, but then the original occupants move out and these incoming "2nd generation" owners object to boats mooring or even, in some cases, using the canal in front of their property. The redeveloped basin in Loughborough has had it's problems and the running of engines and lighting of solid fuel stoves has been banned following action by the local canalside residents association.
Recently an open meeting was held to discuss, an old chestnut, the Visitor Mooring at Market Bosworth on the Ashby Canal. The meeting droned on and on until a lady resident from the apartments opposite stood up and shouted, "How would you like those things (boats?) in your front garden.?"
A chappie purporting to represent ABO (Angry Boaters Owners) was on his feet like a shot and replied.. Madam I have 4 observations:-
Firstly.. You live in a flat and don't have a front garden.
Secondly... The canal was there some 200 years before your flat.
Thirdly.... I recommend that the lady really ought to employ a competent solicitor before she buys property again or at least visits an optician.
Fourthly... The fourth observation was never heard.
Pandemonium broke out and the gathered press rushed off to write their copy...
AV(2010)PLC is in a difficult position. On the one hand it would like to sell off it's property dowry left it after privatisation, but on the other it can't ignore the view of boaters. After Castlemill in 2006 boaters have been more and more prepared to use direct action. This panicked BW then and continues to alarm AV now. This type of protest could cost AV a lot of money whilst generating negative publicity by the bucket full. A lose, lose situation if there ever was one.
So who benefits from these developments ?
Primarily the developers of course (profits), then the first occupiers of the properties, who stand to make a tidy profit when it comes to selling. AV(2020)PLC directors and senior staff (bonuses), shareholders (dividends) and finally boaters.
However, boaters only benefit if the money is re-invested in the canal system and what guarantee is there that that will happen ? None whatsoever.
In the mean time boaters may lose from loss of amenities, and even loss of right of way if action is not taken.
I was chatting to a bloke who, by chance, witnessed a meeting of the ENC, the Extreme Narrowboating Club. Apparently this club was formed to cater for members who found normal narrowboating a little tame and yearned for something spiced with a touch of danger.
The club holds ad hoc gatherings at places such as Stourport, Sawley, Alrewas, Consall Forge, in fact anywhere where a canal joins a river and there is a weir. The meetings are only held when the rivers are in flood and on occasions lock gates have had AV applied padlocks removed to facilitate access.
Once on the flooded river section each member performs daring manoeuvres such as winding with the bow on the bank and the current doing the work on the stern. Ferry glides are for wimps only I was told.
At the aforementioned meet on the flooded Trent above Thrumpton Weir Clive Clutterbuck kept the crowd enthralled until something substantial fouled his prop and left him with no propulsion. His 62ft narrowboat (aptly named Nautilus), hit the barrier above the weir head on at considerable speed and rode over the wire barrier. His boat shot the weir quite gracefully, but then disappeared forever into the huge stopper below the weir.
Clive timed his jump to perfection, probably out of sheer terror, and ended up hanging onto the barrier above the weir. His recovery took some time, but earned him a standing ovation when he finally reached Terra Firma.
It is now enshrined in ENC folklore that shooting a weir in a narrowboat is known as doing a Clutterbook.
You couldn't make it up could you ?
There is a joke in AV(2010)PLC that if you don't know what to do with a document, or other data for that matter, you store it on the Z Drive on the corporate server. Z drive is, of course, write only......
For many years much data, regarding Bandit problems, has been consigned to the Z drive. Not any more. Now there are parts of the system that, despite having "Towpath Renewal" programs and the like, are still regarded by most boaters as prime Bandit Country. The Curly Wyrley springs to mind....... From today all Bandit incidents reported to AV from certain canals will now receive maximum publicity.
AV(2020)PLC is also desperately trying to cut costs on the day to day running of the system.
What have the two in common? Well, I have it on good authority (straight from the executive loo) that parts of the system are to be close down "for the safety of the public" during school holidays, but may, in actual fact, never re-open. The real reason for closure is of course to save money.The reason given, public safety.
A use it or lose it campaign anyone ?
I was in a pub the other day (here we go again.... Matt) chatting away to another boater who cruises single-handed on a regular basis, when the topic of lock safety came up.
She had seen new notices on locks stating that the wearing of life jackets was compulsory when operating the locks. Between us we had nearly 20 years of locking experience but had never fallen in a lock. What have we been doing wrong we asked?
Another stupid development is the fencing off of the tail end of locks. This restricts the options to single-handed boaters (and crews alike.... Matt). Presumably walking on the roof of a narrowboats is soon to be made verboten too? Status boaters would, of course, never dream of walking on the roof anyway.... Think of all those muddy footprints darling !
Then a thought occurred to us, maybe the two were linked? Maybe part of the reason we had not been for a swim in a lock was because we used the roof of the boat as a "safe haven" in slippery conditions and had painted it with non-slip paint?
AV has received a number of complaints recently regarding the behaviour of Lockies. I was at a meeting recently where the latest of these complaints was discussed.
It appears the skipper of his £250k floating gin palace and crew of 4, hailed the Lockie (busy cutting the grass) on the Atherstone flight and demanded he worked the locks for them ! He asked if the crew were disabled, and when the reply was of "of course not" he went back to cutting the grass.
The meeting was to consider AV's reply to the written complaint from the narrowboat's skipper. "Tell him to F. Off and buy a cottage" was my suggestion, but this outburst was met with a stony silence! I had unwittingly displayed "real boater" tendencies!
In the end Hugh Baton suggested that the reply should infer it was not AV policy for it's staff to work locks for able bodied crew.
However, if skippers were to purchase a Platinum Licence ?
Hugh Baton has been getting some flack (on behalf of AV(2010)PLC .... Matt) from various publications and internet sites. In a meeting he brushed much of the criticism aside claiming most of it was from people "pretending" to be boaters.
Now this set me thinking. Who does AV (or Hugh Baton) regard to be real boaters ?
You can rule out continuous cruisers and liveaboards for a start.(AV hates them for using the system...Matt). Surely the hire boats / time-share / shared ownerships must be excluded too. Then, what about the folk who only venture onto the cut a couple weeks a year ? Who is there left to be "real boaters"?
I suspect the answer may be all or none of these. You see dear boater AV sees the "real boater" as someone who has deep pockets and more money than sense......
I was drinking in a bar the other day, relating to a fellow boater how nice it was that spring had finally arrived with temperatures in double digits and sunshine to boot. This had prompted me to address the maintenance backlog on the Mucky Duck.
I sat on the towpath in my shorts and T-shirt and painted my short pole. A nearby boater remarked I would have been in trouble doing that on the BCN with all it's security cameras...... an ASBO would surely be in the post at this very moment!
The waterways press seems to be obsessed these days with dead bodies in the Cut. Is this just a way of filling empty pages on slow news days ?
As long as these bodies don't foul my prop I don't really give a damn. Am I alone in this view ?
I wandered into a canal side pub the other day (Just for a change ? .... Matt), with a few other boaters for a beer or two. When it was my shout I wandered up to the bar for another round of Speckled Hen. It was then I noticed a sign behind the bar proclaiming that all baseball caps had to be removed on the premises.
When I reported this back to Alf he immediately went off on one saying he was not taking his IWA cap off, his Dad fought in the last war, what about his civil liberties etc.. etc... I was wearing my best "Mucky Duck" cap, Steve had his usual diesel stained baseball cap on, which was probably a fire hazard, Only Pete was hatless.
All went quiet when I pointed out we had already had three rounds and nobody had challenged us. The implications of this soon hit home. We were all past it ! Nobody considered us a security threat or likely to create mayhem in the bar. We drank up and left. It didn't help when we ribbed Alf by saying the IWA was obviously a spent force !
Does anyone know where we can get four Provo IWA caps ?
Looking at the things AV(2010)PLC are doing these days, there seems to be yawning gap between what the customers want and what AV actually does. Whilst the customers are interested in water points, winding holes, stiff lock gates et al, AV seems to be obsessed with image and branding issues. After all that's where they spend most of their time, effort and money. I am at a loss to account for this policy.
A friend of mine (real boater) suggested it may be a simple case of common sense versus an ego in a suit wearing red braces ?
This week I had my annual assessment at AV(2010)PLC. You are never quite sure how to play these, or what topics are likely to come up. Some of the standard questions are easy to deal with. The likes of "How do you think you've done" are loaded questions of course. The management hope you will talk yourself out of a pay rise on the basis that most honest people are there own sternest critic. I've read books about this crap so my reply of "I don't know how I do it for the money " kills that sort of topic stone dead.
Instead only two things were mentioned by the boss man:-
The first was it had been noted I went to the loo frequently! As readers will know the loo is the one place where there are no cameras or mikes. This question was easy to dodge as I had a prepared answer...... I was suffering from an infected bladder. Believable, and designed to elicit sympathy. No problem !
The second came out of the blue, and took me off guard. It appears I had been guilty of non PC and obscene whistling ! This is a tough one. How do you reply to that ? Whistling is something you tend to do when you are happy so I suppose that's suspicious in itself and bound to annoy management. However, what tunes you whistle are almost subliminal, so what could I say? In a way it was a good thing this happened. I 'd won most of the other rounds so to lose this one was probably a good thing. I apologised and promised to mend my ways, after all no-one likes a smart-arse.
The meeting didn't get off to a very good start. Ivor Wrench Head of Engineering couldn't make it and fielded a subordinate. This chap (Harry Postlethwaite) had the temerity to speak and then came out with this wonderful pearl of wisdom:-
Harry
"Why don't you spread them around the system and build them on crap land that's fit for nowt"
That blew the agenda out of the window and Marketing spent the next two hours trying to explain it wasn't that easy ! (Oh yes it is ..... Matt). Nobody was convinced though.
Marketing
"Building marinas close to existing marinas is a safe bet as it shows there is demand"
Harry
"That's bloody daft, there's next to nowt on the Shroppie it's all sodding on-line mooring"
Harry
" Have any of you lot been up the Shroppie?"
Marketing
(Silence)
Marketing
"Surveys as to the impact on boat traffic through certain locks will have to be carried out"
Harry
" Ask the boaters.... They'll tell you where the worst effin hold-ups are"
Marketing
"That would mean we would have to consult our customers"
Harry
" We can get all that sort of stuff off the telemetry fitted to the locks anyway... what's the problem?"
And so it went on..... I reckon Harry could have sorted the whole problem in about a month.
Instead it was decided to appoint around 10 senior people to form a Marina Task Force with a £500K budget. (Ah Private industry is so efficient ! ... Matt).
Harry was overhead phoning Ivor after the meeting.....
"Waste of time boss..... Total bunch of winkers"
Unofficial minutes of the meeting ?
The metal mural by the side of Dallow Lock on the Trent & Mersey canal has been the site of some intriguing battles over the years.
After it's installation it was proposed, by BW, that a device emitting loud high frequency audio be fitted in the vicinity to deter vandals / graffiti artists. This had to be removed in the end after the courts decided it breached the yobbo's (you can't say that ...Matt) human rights !
A new device may be the answer. It is a combination of the anti-collision radar fitted to cars and a scaled up version of the ink-jet assembly in your computer printer. In essence the radar locates the presence of an individual and the unit issues an audible warning. If this is ignored and the person moves closer they get sprayed across the chest with paint.
Now as you can imagine this initially was created much alarm amongst the do-gooders until some bright spark had the idea of actually writing I LUV MY MUM across the chest of the intruder. A touch of genius I think you'll agree!
Even the most liberal human rights activist could not object to those sentiments, and what yobbo would be seen with that on the front of their £50 designer T-shirt?
Hugh Baton said AV were aware of the system and would be watching trials of the unit elsewhere with interest.
A sure sign that the brown stuff is near the fan is when senior managers hold a pre-meeting meeting. This took place well out of the way of the cameras & mikes at Ivory Towers. It appears to have paid off. At the genuine meeting, the MD's usual divide and rule tactics failed, for once he was outmanoeuvred by his underlings.
Instead of a "Whodunnit" the meeting turned into a "where do we go from here" meeting. Spending AV's own money on marina building was soon ruled out. Everyone at the meeting would lose some / all of their bonus if this went ahead. Instead, all agreed, partners should be sought to build these marinas, whilst AV(2010)PLC does the paperwork regarding planning permission etc. The fact that this tactic failed miserably around 5 years ago was ignored of course.
More interesting, perhaps, was the off-the-cuff remark by the Finance Director that AV(2010) Marinas Ltd was a separate business only to the extent that the computerised accounts for it were kept on a separate server!
So there you have it in a nutshell. Separate business, no, separate accounts yes.
As the average age of the IWA membership grew higher and higher, it was inevitable that the membership numbers would start to dwindle. The natural course of events was hastened by the fact that for years the IWA was seen as cosying up first to BW, now to AV(2010)PLC.
The younger breed of boater (under 60 ? .... Matt) felt a more pro-active organisation was required to represent them. Thus the Provisional IWA was born. The title started as a joke. The result of a midwinter drinking session in the Shroppie Fly, legend has it.
The beauty of this organisation is it only exists on the web. It is a "virtual" organisation with, apparently, no members.
However, various protests have taken place from time to time, (mainly because many boaters feel their is no other way of expressing their views), and the Pro IWA has claimed responsibility. Whether they organised the events no one knows. Because of it's "virtual" nature the police seem to ignore it. They have enough trouble with child porn on the net to be bothered with militant boaters.
Militant boaters? 5 years ago that would have been considered an oxymoron.
For some time now it has been the policy by the Engineering Dept. of AV(2010)PLC to dump sludge from dredging operations on the nearest suitable bit of towpath. However, as the dredging funds had been withdrawn for 2006, this anti-social (and anti-boater) behaviour was assumed to have stopped. Not so! Several stretches of towpath in the Braunston area have been covered in the aforementioned sludge. This is somewhat surprising as there did not appear to be dredging operations in that immediate area. Even more curious is the stretches of towpath to suffer this fate. They just happen to be areas that continuous cruisers frequent during the winter months. There were mutterings claiming "harassment" of continuous cruisers as the root cause of this state of affairs.
I mention the above as a backdrop to an event which took place at the local AV(2010)PLC area office. It seems sometime over the weekend someone had dumped several lorry loads of manure in the AV car park. Not just anywhere mind, but all across the "executive" car park in front of the building. There was a placard on the top of one heap, claiming the perpetrators were members of the Provisional IWA!
The police were called but as the problem was on private property it was not obvious to them what crime had been committed so they went away again. They returned some time later in a large van and proceeded to fill plastic bags with some of the manure. The policemen described their actions as "collecting evidence", but why they needed 50 bags of evidence remains another mystery.
Whilst downing a pint of Spitfire the other night in a canalside pub, I struck up a conversation with a chap called Bert Flangewick. It turns out he worked for BW in the "good old days" ( I can't believe I'm printing this.... Matt). The topic of gates that are stiff to shut and fall open in the slightest breeze came up. Ah no problem said the man, I'll show you what's wrong!
He took out a Biro and a matchbox to make a simulated lock gate. Look here he said. Using the Biro as the pivot, he moved the top of the Biro (sorry pivot) to the left, and the matchbox (sorry gate) swung to the left. Conversely, moving the top of the pivot to the right the gate swung to the right.
From this he said, you can figure out that if the gate falls open the pivots of the gates are too far apart at the top, i.e facing outwards from the lock. In my day, he said, we always hung gates with the pivots leaning in a tad. I asked him if AV had been in touch and he said yes, but when he asked if he was entitled to a consultancy fee they hung up!
All it cost me to solve the stiff gate saga was 8 pints of Spitfire, 3 for Bert 5 for me. (He did most of the talking then? .... Matt)
An unidentified spokesperson (Hugh Baton is on holiday) for AV(2010)PLC announced a new service for boaters having problems with stiff gates. This service was immediately dubbed the "Flying Lockie" service by the boating press.
Beefy blokes mounted on all-terrain BMW motorbikes will stationed near to known trouble spots. Boaters in trouble at unworkable locks (our description not AVs .... Matt) will be able to ring a number and call up a "Flying Lockie" to help them. A 30 minute response time was quoted.
Phone calls to AV along the lines "Why don't you fix the lock gates by hanging them properly" were directed to the Engineering Dept. where "Everyone was out".
Adapting to my new role of NNN's old fart (no comment... Matt), I thought it would be worthwhile doing a review for newcomers to the waterways of how this ongoing marina / mooring fiasco came about.
During the great boat building boom of 2002 to 2005 approximately 1500 boats a year were being build by our then flourishing (indigenous) boat building industry. Anyone with half a brain knew this was not sustainable in the longer term, especially as very few new moorings were being created. Even worse, the poseurs who bought their "status boats" expected top-notch marinas in which to display their latest, "in your face", toy. By roughly 2004 all moorings of any kind were taken and people with lower spec boats were being forced out the newest marinas to make way for the poseur brigade.
Some people are convinced that the old BW contrived this situation because they then saw to it mooring prices doubled in the next two years. Remember, by this time BW Marinas Ltd was buying every Marina it could lay it's hands on to create a near total mooring monopoly. Then of course the bubble burst. The advice to any prospective owner had been, from 2004 onwards, "get a mooring first". As there were none to be had, they took their money elsewhere. During 2006 boat builders going bust was a weekly event. The industry was decimated by the dearth of new orders. Would you pay 200K+ for a boat and it leave on the towpath unattended for day after day? No chance.
Things were so desperate BW went so far as to admit it's previous policy of discouraging private marinas had been unhelpful (i.e. wrong!.... Matt). In the great British tradition the solution was to set up a committee, well the New Marinas Unit to be precise. Their job was to encourage private enterprise to build marinas for them (BW) and save them the trouble and the money. However, they estimated these marinas would cost around £2.5M a go. To many people that seemed an awful lot for what is basically a hole in the ground filled with water. And so it proved. Out of the estimated 11,000 spaces required only around 1200 actually came about.
So here we are in 2011, still 10,000 berths short and with no boat building industry to speak of. Most of the shells and completed boats are imported from Poland or China with just a few UK fit-out firms doing specialist work for wealthy (300K+ per boat!) clients.
No one, BW or AV(2010)PLC, has, to my knowledge, ever recycled the revenue it got from canal side property and land sell-offs into marina building. In a just society that would be a hanging offence.
Last week my supremo got an E-Mail requesting he attend a meeting. He suspects this will be one of those meetings every manager dreads. A "Whodunnit" meeting. The reason for this type of meeting is to pin the blame on some poor bugger for something this (or previous) MD has done (or not done as the case may be).
Easy you are thinking, make some excuse and don't go. Wrong. Then you are a sitting duck. Blaming someone that isn't there is much easier than blaming someone that is. You just have to front it out and hope for the best. It's much the same as Russian Roulette, but the odds aren't as even.
Past misdemeanour's are never forgotten by MDs in my experience. To make it even more awkward,a misdemeanour's might be you were proved right on an issue, when the MD was wrong. This is why, from the board of directors down, no manager in his right mind has an opinion about anything.
The safest seats are those in areas where the MD knows least. If you are lucky he might feel just a little bit vulnerable in your area. This being the case, if you keep him out of the brown smelly stuff you are safe. Occasionally though you get an MD who's ego is so large he knows all there is to know about everything period. That's why he gets paid megabucks right?
This is where we came in. The topic on the "Whodunnit" agenda is "Marina's re Lack Of". I'll keep you posted.
I'm sorry that there has been no articles for a while but there has been a security sweep here. Him Upstairs was made aware of NNN because someone posted a link on their blog (Granddad something? someone said) and it showed up on Google. Paranoia has now reached new heights, even by senior management standards.
Not to worry, I removed my kit from the executive loo before the "workmen" arrived. A friend with exceptional IT skills showed me how to hack the "Facilities" directories on our server and we now know where all the new hidden cameras and mikes have been fitted in AV(2010) HQ, here at Ivory Towers. The mikes are really useful for feeding misinformation back into the "system". Anyone who has read or seen "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" will know how useful such a path can be! I'm reading a book about Bletchley Park's role in WW2 and so I'm boning up on dis-information techniques. Could come in handy? After all one has to cover one's tracks.
Normal service should be resumed any day now. Anyway apologies again for the news blackout.
Hugh Baton made a public statement that AV were looking for partners for the Marina building program. ( This is an old chestnut. BW tried this one years ago ... Ed)
With AV(2010)PLC selling off property like there is no tomorrow, why don't they use this money to finance new marinas? Where are all the proceeds of the property sales going? Answers anyone?
On a slightly different tack, shouldn't the marina issue be tackled by AV(2010) Marinas Ltd? The inference is that the two AV operating units are not separate after all, merely a ruse to pacify the BMF.
The Operations director, a certain Mr Vrumeburk (what a name, you couldn't make that one up and get away with it... Ed) has been on BBC R4 regarding canal side property development and shortly after Hugh Baton was on the radio too pleading poverty saying AV hadn't the cash for marina development and was looking for partners to share the costs.
Him Upstairs is not too pleased. Certain people ("Bastard Boaters" no doubt) have asked awkward questions (see Ms D.Vine). The timing of the two statements was unfortunate to say the least. The word is Vrumeburk was acting on his own and not gone through official channels. Hugh Baton was not amused it would seem.
Eyebrows were also raised about Hugh Baton making statements on marina building. The in-joke at the moment is he is "moonlighting" for AV(2010) Marinas Ltd. I hope (as a closet boater) the jokes have been within range of the new security mikes and that goes "upstairs" too.
The Vole
One glum face after the recent Board Meeting was Ivor Wrench, Head of Engineering. ( It is interesting to note that there is no Engineering Director at AV.....Ed). He said, in passing, his budget had been cut to shreds. I understand an E-Mail has already gone out to regions stating there would be no dredging this year due to lack of funds.
Following the recent AV(2010) PLC Board Meeting, Hugh Baton released this press statement.
The AV Board of Directors have today approved a budget of £1M to update the company logo, change the corporate colour scheme and conduct a general image makeover.
AV is a modern public facing company with shareholders. It is our duty to protect their investment and maximize the dividend paid each year. It is this Boards opinion that the old BW was far too interested in day to day maintenance of the waterways.
The City does not understand or is interested in the technical issues involved in running a canal system. It is only interested in the share price and earning potential. This is why the image AV presents to the public is crucial to our success.
The comments of the Finance Director at the Iridium License meeting have fuelled speculation that all may be not what it seems in the Finance Department. There is the name for a start. However, as one of the accountants said "only an idiot would choose Hamish Sidebotham as an alias"....... He has a point
Suspicions were raised when a shareholder at the AGM stood up and shouted "You're that bastard from Marconi that trashed my pension" and had to be ejected from the meeting. Then there was that photo on his office wall with him and a chap called Lord Simpsom. After the AGM it mysteriously disappeared.
Tracy, the canteen manageress hates him. She says he's always having stuff put on his "Tab" despite there being no credit facilities in the canteen! The clincher for Tracy is that he has "shifty eyes". Tracy is normally a good judge of these things as she's been round the block a time or two, as she puts it.
Other than the MD the FD is the most feared (and therefore hated) man at AV. His position seems assured for the time being though, as he (still) regularly plays golf with the MD. In fact he is the only staff member other than the MD with a handicap in single figures. HS puts this down to having a gap year in 2000/1 (at the age of 40+ ? .... Ed) to practice his swing!
Following an accident near Horninglow Basin on the Trent & Mersey Canal in which a boater on the tiller of a hired narrowboat was injured by a low bridge, H&S officials have been called in to investigate.
The boater received a nasty cut to the head, which was treated by the AV paramedic who had been called to the scene. It took the biggest Elastoplast he had in his box to cover the wound, he said
H&S officials are now considering making the lower section of the T&M a linear "Hard Hat" area. Similar proposals have been made in the past regarding the Caldon Canal and all tunnels on the system.
One investigator said he didn't know why AV had done this when it was formed.
(It seems the boater is now suing AV for not putting up warning signs and in a separate case suing the paramedic on the grounds that the boater is allergic to Elastoplast..... Ed).
They have put the cat amongst the pigeons with these Iridium moorings at Sawley. They shouldn´t have announced them until the new Iridium Licenses were available. Him Upstairs is not pleased. "Those bastards at Narrowboatworld will have a field day with this" was his reaction.
The IMs (as we call them in house) are to appeal to the upper echelons of the boating fraternity, or as a man from marketing put it in the gents washroom, those BMW owning gits with more money than sense who fancy a narrowboat now it´s become fashionable. He then muttered something about effin Waterworld and "status boaters", dried his hands and left!
I understand those who have already paid for their Platinum moorings are up in arms as they are no longer "the dogs bollocks" to quote one E-Mail.
That E-Mail in itself shows just how bad the Platinum moorings have become and why the even more exclusive Iridium ones are needed said AV spokesman Hugh Baton.
AV announced that in the future all lock gates are to be made in China. So a 200 year old traditional industry will, like the rest of industry in this country, be no more.
A representative of the Shanghai Timber Co a Mr Lee Kin-Loc said it was a great honour to make the gates for the British canal system, He went on to say he thought the balance beams looked a little plain and may offer to embellish them with some traditional Chinese decoration at no extra cost ( in red & gold? .... Ed). AV refused to comment on the last statement.
The property portfolio that was transferred to AV(2010)PLC when BW was privatised was (and continues to be) a closely guarded secret. Even the Vole has not managed to penetrate the security barriers of the Estates Department. There have been consistent rumours that certain prime sites had been squirrelled away for a "rainy day". Whose "rainy day" you may ask? That is a good question....
In recent weeks various members of the Estates Dept. have been seen in the corridors of power at our HQ in Ivory Towers. There is something going on. I'll have to plant my bugging device in the Executive Loo again, that's where all the prime gossip takes place...... (It's a good job all at AV personnel are banned from using the Internet! ....Ed)
English Nature are lobbying anyone that will listen that certain marinas should become SSSIs. This would mean getting rid of the boats of course! One commentator who declined to be named put it like this:-
English Nature and a few other conservation bodies are miffed that there is more wildlife in many of the eco-friendly marinas built in the early noughties, than there is in their own reserves. As you can imagine this is highly embarrassing and EN et al are trying to keep this quiet, For years they have objected to canal restoration, but it seems the wildlife isn't that bothered about the odd passing boat. Indeed some have observed that by stirring up the bottom they actually do bottom feeding fish such as carp and barbel a favour.
Certain independent bodies have observed that several marinas sampled were found to be teaming with wildlife despite the presence of 200+ boats. EN have, of course, refused to comment on this.
AV is getting a large number of calls from boaters unable to operate lock gates that are too stiff. Ivor Wrench Engineering denied there was anything wrong with the way the gates were fitted. However, On one of the rare occasions when Ivor was "on site" he was challenge by a formidable looking female boater to "you shut that sodin gate then smart-arse".
There followed a highly embarrassing incident where it took Ivor and another AV employee to close one of the offending bottom gates whilst the woman closed the other on her own! The laughter was heard at the next lock and it would seem a "Bastard boater" photographed the whole episode and posted the pictures on the net.
Behind the scenes AV is contacting ex-BW employees to see if anyone knows how to hang lock gates properly. It seems a long shot as BW sub contracted the work years before privatisation and some observers contend that's when the problems began.
Police were called to a case of malicious damage at a supermarket near the Staffs & Worcs canal in Kidderminster. It appears a battered supermarket trolley covered in slime was repeatedly rammed into the store managers Audi car causing extensive damage to its black paintwork.
Security cameras showed a middle aged man in scruffy jeans, a hoodie and a blue baseball cap making rude gestures to a security camera nearby. A man from the local deaf school was brought in by Police to view the video footage. However, due to a mix up he was himself arrested for using obscene language. The phrase at the root of the trouble was believed to be "How do you effin like it winker"?
Police thought a member of the Provisional IWA could be responsible.
Following the recent spate of bodies found floating in canals AV is to start charging for their removal. As one AV executive observed, "If AV is having to play the role of undertaker then we should at least make some money out of it". (The fact that all executives at AV are on profit related pay is nothing to do with it! ....Ed)
A member of the AV marketing team said the rise in suicides etc showed that the awareness of the canal system was growing amongst the general public. At one time only boaters were found in the canals. (Progress of sorts then?.... Ed)
Recently a meeting was called to discuss Iridium License issues.
Whilst the benefits of owning an IL were easy to define, priority at locks and water points, reserved premier 14 day moorings all over the system (with electric hookup of course....Ed) , etc.. etc.., some problem areas were identified.
How could safe passage be guaranteed in less than secure areas? Also it would only be a matter of time before one of the IL holders would sue AV for the damage that occurred to their boats paintwork whilst using the locks on the system. It was felt these problems would be not be too severe as it was unlikely an IL boat would ever get onto the cut itself, except by accident (or if the boat had been hi-jacked?... Ed)
However, the selection criteria used to test suitability for the IL proved a major stumbling block. Accounts were in favour of a straightforward credit check. However, the Finance Director, (reputed to be half Scottish half Yorkshire, but educated at Eton) pointed out that most people with real money had it well hidden or in their wife´s name so this process was not as straightforward as it first appeared.
One manager stated he had heard stories of people in the south selling their houses for a small fortune and moving onto a narrowboat. In one instance the person had a £350k narrowboat but came from Essex! To make matters worse the dog he had on board was a mongrel. Would you pay a premium over the Platinum mooring rate only to end up moored next to someone like that, he asked?
It was taken as read that Northerners with a broad accent would be disqualified automatically, but from an on-line application or E-Mail, how could one tell ? Perhaps some sort of spelling test or a videophone interview would have to be introduced ?
At that point the meeting broke up in disarray, this important issue, eligibility, unresolved.
The Vole.
There are a two main reasons for the site moving to Blogger, both to do with security.
On several occasions recently there have been attempts to hack the old NNN site, presumably in the hope of revealing the identity of The Vole. We have had experts tracing the source of the hack and we have narrowed it down to a few users. No names no pack-drill, but we know who you are.
The second incident is quite strange. The Mucky Duck was moored up in Fazeley and Rudolph Hooker was having a "siesta" following a dinnertime session in the Three Tuns, when he was awakened by somebody climbing onto the front of the Mucky Duck. They took away the two bags of rubbish perched there, ready for disposal, and hot footed it down the towpath towards the junction.
The boater moored next to the Mucky Duck was amazed. He didn't realise AV personnel did a rubbish collection service! Nobody else does either. So there you have it, the Mucky Duck has become a sitting duck. Presumably, by now, the rubbish has been sifted for any useful documents pertaining to NNN. None will be found as Rudolph never bothered to write anything down. It's ironic that the rubbish thieves were foiled by idleness.
Rudolph has stepped down as Editor and is now free to pursue his first love, that is research into canal-side drinking establishments. He will still provide useful data from time to time as it is truly amazing what you can pick up in canal-side pubs according to Rudolph. I assumed he meant information, but knowing Rudolph maybe that was a false assumption!
I, (Matt Black) will, as my name suggests, be keeping a low profile as collator / editor of this site. You can rest assured the recent security issues will not stop NNN. It has just highlighted the need to be more secure.
Matt Black
This site is based in 5 years in the future. BW has been privatised and is now known as AV (2010) PLC. No one is quite sure what AV stands for, some have said Aquatic Ventures. Personally I think someone just made that up on the spur of the moment............. Probably Hugh Baton, Director of Communications.
(I understand the idea for the name came after someone at the the image consultants watched the film 2001 over the Xmas break. The computer in the film was called HAL, one letter "short" of IBM .......Matt).
Life on the cut goes on much as ever. This news sheet takes a slightly sideways look at what is happening or, for that matter, likely to happen.
Matt Black
I am the collator of information for NNN. All other details are withheld for security reasons.
After a long and auspicious career as PR consultant for Lord Lucan I decided to give up the high life and take to the canals. I bought an ex hire boat from Swan Line at Fradley and now cruise the system on the "Mucky Duck". I have looked at the many excellent web sites which chronicle the travels of various narrowboats throughout the system. These look like hard work to maintain so I have decided to become a commentator, on the changes that canals are undergoing, instead. This should be a much easier option and leave me more time for what I call research. In reality this means spending many hours in canalside pubs seeking out and talking to that increasingly rare species, the "real boater". How else does one find out what is happening on the waterways?
I am a "closet boater" working for AV. I dare not admit to being a boater to my superiors because I would be transported to the Aquascape.com division pronto and that´s due for the chop soon. I hope you now appreciate my need for secrecy. All information should go to the outside world via a chap called Hugh Baton, but this information is, of course, subject to censorship and not a little spin. It´s not his fault. He seems a good bloke really and is one of the few that walk the corridors of power that knows how to work a lock!
(This resume is, for obvious reasons, lacking in specifics...... Matt Black)
Ms D. Vine has an impeccable CV. She is secretive about her place (and year) of birth, but was educated at Rodine so what went before is irrelevant (as she puts it). Who´s Who confirms that she was married to a Tory MP but understandably felt that was a not good prospect for the future and left her open to ridicule and pity amongst her friends at the WI. In due course she divorced the "chinless wonder", but it all came to nought when she was knocked down by an illegal immigrant driving a taxi outside a well known London night club. The head injury sustained in the accident changed her personality to such an extent she bought a narrowboat, became a boater and has been a liveaboard ever since.
I felt it only proper to have a woman on the team in the interests of balance. I´m sure you will agree, having read the brief resume above, that she will be an important asset to NNN.