Rudolph Hooker -- A Lurcher's Life

I was sat in a canalside pub the other day sampling the local brew when a boater turned up with his dog, a lurcher. We got talking and I remarked that his dog was quite old. Yes came the reply from the boater, he doesn't walk far now, but he's happy living aboard and he can he can still lick his balls!

There really is no answer to that ........

Rudolph Hooker -- Supermarket Trolleys

It appears an employee of AV(2010)PLC ( who is on the redundancy list), decided to take the sort of action, at Kidderminster, that the management of AV should have organised years ago. (Perhaps they didn't have the balls.... Matt)

The chap in question, built up a stockpile of 50+ trolleys recovered from the nearby Cut and loaded them onto a tipper truck. In the early hours of Saturday morning he backed the truck up to the front doors of the offending store and dumped the lot!

Staff arriving at the store shortly before opening time were faced with a tangled mass of smelly, mangled, trolleys blocking the entrance. The store lost several hours trading as a result and the store manager was said to be furious.

A local boater photographed the proceedings, but confessed he thought his pictures might have suffered from camera shake. "I was laughing so much", he said "I should have used a tripod".

Rudoph Hooker -- Headgear

Regular readers will know that I have mentioned this topic before, especially with regard to the banning of baseball caps in certain pubs. The other day, whilst having a pint or two with Chalkie White, we came up with a cracking idea that I thought I ought to share with you.

What boaters need is some sort of "official" headgear. If we could agree on a style then we could claim wearing it was part of our religion. ( I like the idea of being a Devout Boater .... Matt). Anyone being challenged in licensed premises for wearing the said headgear could then sue the owners on the grounds of religious discrimination.

Complex devices similar to turbans are not considered practical. However, perhaps we should include some sort of floatation device or a compartment for your boat keys ? So, when it's pouring down outside and the wind is howling, have a think about a suitable design for a "boaters" hat?

Please note. Don't worry too much if wearing your design makes you look a burk. Look at all those who cruise in Australian Bush hats. It doesn't seem to worry them. Perhaps we could persuade the IWA to take it up as their official headgear ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Black Box ?

I was in a Canal side pub the other day talking to boater who had just witnessed a hire boat driven more like a dodgem. It had crashed into just about everything on it's way through a flight of 5 locks, in one case dislodging a substantial coping stone at a lock entrance.

This tallies with info from my friend in the hire boat industry who suspects the dramatic rise in damage to their craft is definitely not "accidental" Perhaps some sort of Black Box recorder was in order I ventured. With a GPS receiver an accelerometer, and a memory card, it would be possible to record where, when and severity of every impact Then the hirer could impose a surcharge based on that data.

Unfortunately, if Hamish Sidebotham FD of AV(2010)PLC got to hear of this device my companion pointed out, boaters would end up paying a mileage and lock surcharge as well as the Licence.

This "Accountant Mentality" has a lot to answer for.

Rudolph Hooker -- Online Moorings

AV Marinas(2010)PLC is concerned that, having finally got a decent marina on the Shroppie (at Wheaton Aston), a year on it's still almost empty. However, the miles of online moorings remain. The reason is, of course, cost. The cost of a marina berth is 3 times that of an online mooring.

Could this be why all the AV "Slow Moored Boats" signs have disappeared recently? A friend of mine in the hire business has heard on the grapevine that secretly AV hopes online moorers will get fed up with boats speeding by and go into the marina. My informant suggested that the partially AV owned hire company CanalShare is encouraging its hirers to ignore moored boats as well.

I myself became suspicious when certain AV friendly magazines such as Canal World have carried articles proclaiming speeding is not a problem if you moor up tight. Do I detect the work of Hugh Baton here ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Mothballed.

I was talking to a chap the other day in the Shroppie Fly at Audlem, who turned out to be a retired BW employee. He told me that a mate of his who worked for AV(2010)PLC had just found a stack of grass and hedge cutting gear in a warehouse near Nantwich.

Subsequent investigations showed the equipment had been purchased by the newly privatised BW (AV) and was much bigger, better and more efficient than anything they'd had before. Just one snag. The equipment was too high / wide to go under the average canal bridge. Some of it was too wide for the average towpath too. As a result it had been mothballed and hidden away in this little used and remote storage shed. It was all brand new with only an hour or two on the clock.

Presumably the person who ordered this equipment (roughly £350k's worth) was too embarrassed to take it back or sell it. So if any of you out there own a small holding or an estate and want some spanking new kit at give away prices contact AV(2010)PLC .

Rudolph Hooker -- No T.V ?

There are times when things happen on the Cut that take you by surprise. They are so bizarre as to make you wonder as to whether the incident really happened or was just a fleeting vision during an afternoon nap.

The other day I heard a narrowboat underway, about half an hour before nightfall, travelling at a fair pace with two voices shouting "No, No" at regular intervals. Intrigued, I opened my side doors to see a hire boat approaching at speed. The No's were coming from a chap stood in the well deck. It was only as the boat sped past that I realised what was happening. One of the crew was looking at the T.V , which was only showing noise, and was relaying the picture quality to the man on the front deck. He in turn relayed the information to the tiller person. One presumes that, once a decent picture became available they would drop anchor, tie up or something. They seemed somewhat distraught so I assume their favourite soap had already started!

Mooring by T.V reception! Perhaps that why you see hire boats scattered all over the place? I suppose it takes all sorts......

Rudolph Hooker --- Pension Funds

Whilst perusing the Times in a canal side pub recently I read an article which stated that most peoples pensions had halved in value over the last 10 years. Tell me about it I thought. Then something the Vole mentioned set me thinking.

The MD of AV2010(PLC) recently stated, in public, he had not had a pay rise in two years. Was this true I thought ? One way to find out. Owning a few shares in AV means I get a copy of the annual report / accounts. After several hours of scanning the boring stuff what do I find? Buried deep in the accounts I find that whilst the "pay freeze" was true , the MD had had over £ 500K paid into his private pension scheme by Av(2010) over the last 2 years to top up his salary of 300k p.a.

Not bad eh? I wonder how much the average employee of AV has had put in theirs? (Of course the more recently appointed staff aren't entitled to join the pension scheme.... Matt)

As an old friend of mine always said "There are lies , damned lies and accounts..."

Rudolph Hooker -- Water Shortages ?

I dropped across a copy of Towpath Networking the other day. It's centre page spread was dedicated to how serious the drought of the summer of 2011 had been, with regard to canal water supplies. However, the examples given were to do with the water reservoirs in the Pennines that feed the Macclesfield and the Trent & Mersey canals. This rather sensational piece of journalism seemed to think that, as the water levels in the reservoirs (after the driest summer in living memory) were only 50 to 60% of their capacity, this represented a serious problem. I beg to differ. The figures quoted were for August. With the autumn / winter rains (and snow?) imminent and the busy season on the canals over, surely there is no problem at this point in time.

Canal Engineers such as Brindley and Jessop would have been pleased to know they had got the capacity of the reservoirs about right. Think about it. If the reservoirs had only 10% left they would have been too small, whereas if they had been 98% full one would question the need for the reservoirs at all!

In these times, when the number of people doing further education in any numerate subject ( Maths and Physics especially) is the square root of bugger all, it comes as no surprise that this sort of alarmist nonsense is peddled in public. It reminds me of the papers produced in the 1800's by Dionysius Lardner. He criticised Brunel's work, claiming among other things, that if the brakes failed on a train in the Box Tunnel it would emerge at over 100mph and passengers in open carriages would, at this speed, suffocate. Complete and utter nonsense of course, but these assertions panicked a public with no formal education. Old boaters are not so easily taken in methinks!

Rudolph Hooker -- A Cunning Plan ?

The short fall in the AV(2010)PLC accounts is indeed serious if it is true. However, I can recollect several instances in the not too distant past, where public companies have used a similar ruse to extract grants from the government of the day.

This was often successful (think Railtrack) and resulted in a PLC giving dividends to shareholders whilst receiving extensive handouts from taxpayers. Not quite capitalism in action methinks.

Still it makes it easier for executives to achieve their targets and trouser substantial bonuses. 'Twas ever thus.

Rudolph Hooker -- Precise Weather Forecast

I was in a pub the other day and glanced at a newspaper and an article regarding a local weather forecaster caught my eye. It appears this rather lovely (female) weather presenter had been asked to describe the weather at her present location and she replied "It's pissing down" not releasing she was on air.

This "forecast" hit the headlines for it's colourful language, but I think it should have hit the headlines for a totally different reason. It is the first forecast this year that has been, clear, concise and 100% accurate.....

Rudolph Hooker -- Declining Standards

I never buy canal magazines such as Canal World any more, but I'm occasionally given a copy by another boater with instructions to "read article xxx and tell me what you think".

The article in question usually appears to be written by someone who cannot think of anything sensible to write on a canal related topic and creates numerous column inches worth of utter rubbish instead. I sometimes wonder if this is a cynical attempt to generate "feedback" from outraged and knowledgeable boaters to fill the letters page and thereby prove to their editors that people read "their" column. I hope editors will realise this type of journalism not only brings their publication into disrepute, but makes themselves and the generators of such rubbish, look complete idiots.

Editors please note. Folk on the Cut aren't stupid so please file this patronising rubbish where it belongs, on some write-only drive on your network. Please don't waste trees or our time trying to feed us crap.

Rudolph Hooker -- Marina Saga II

I was having a drink in a pub the other day, when I got talking to a chap who was a retired civil servant. He reminded me one can actually do something, or one can be seen to be doing something. The two are totally different but look the same to a casual observer. I would suggest AV's marina policy falls into the latter category i.e. going through the motions but achieving nothing.

If you were seriously trying to develop marinas, you would, by now, have identified a number of possible sites around the system and entered discussions with the planning departments of the Councils involved. Has this happened ? No. Planning permission is up to the developer AV maintains. Indeed, AV has suggested sites to developers near beauty spots so there is not a snowball's chance in hell of getting planning permission for a marina. Have any old gravel pits or the like been suggested..... not likely, something might happen.

AV has also hindered development by saying "traffic surveys" must be carried out to study the impact a proposed marina may have at a given location and this takes at least 12 months.
Why? Doesn't AV(2010)PLC already know where hold ups occur? Just ask the boaters or hire boats companies . They'll soon tell you, and it won't take 12 days let alone 12 months to collect the data.

Now, why should AV behave like this?
Remember AV has the monopoly of the mooring market and it's not in the interest of AV(2010)PLC to allow that position to be weakened..... Either that or they are just incompetent. Whichever is the case, the outcome is the same. Zilch.

Rudolph Hooker -- Drying Out?

Whilst cruising about on the Mucky Duck, like one does, I had a trip up the Ashby canal via the Coventry. As regular readers will know one of the mainstays of my life afloat is finding a good canalside pub for a pie and pint ( plural surely... Matt) at lunchtime. Logistically this is becoming more difficult and as far as I am concerned a way of life is threatened. Mine!

Many of the canalside pubs I used to frequent, the Bull's head at Polesworth, The Kings Head at Atherstone and the Horse & Jockey Congerstone (Ashby Canal) no longer open at lunchtimes. the reason for this are various.

Congerstone is now a dormitory village and there is no one there during the day. House prices are such you need (at least) two incomes to live there. Atherstone is regarded as bandit country, so no one dare moor up. The Bull at Polesworth suffered through lack of custom 3 seasons of the year. These are not the only places to suffer this fate. I fear I detect a trend here.

So there you have it, first the canals loose their commercial traffic, then they become "dry" during the day, like North Wales on a Sunday. Ye Gods.......

Rudolph Hooker -- Extreme Narrowboating 02/06/2011

I was chatting to a bloke who, by chance, witnessed a meeting of the ENC, the Extreme Narrowboating Club. Apparently this club was formed to cater for members who found normal narrowboating a little tame and yearned for something spiced with a touch of danger.

The club holds ad hoc gatherings at places such as Stourport, Sawley, Alrewas, Consall Forge, in fact anywhere where a canal joins a river and there is a weir. The meetings are only held when the rivers are in flood and on occasions lock gates have had AV applied padlocks removed to facilitate access.

Once on the flooded river section each member performs daring manoeuvres such as winding with the bow on the bank and the current doing the work on the stern. Ferry glides are for wimps only I was told.

At the aforementioned meet on the flooded Trent above Thrumpton Weir Clive Clutterbuck kept the crowd enthralled until something substantial fouled his prop and left him with no propulsion. His 62ft narrowboat (aptly named Nautilus), hit the barrier above the weir head on at considerable speed and rode over the wire barrier. His boat shot the weir quite gracefully, but then disappeared forever into the huge stopper below the weir.

Clive timed his jump to perfection, probably out of sheer terror, and ended up hanging onto the barrier above the weir. His recovery took some time, but earned him a standing ovation when he finally reached Terra Firma.

It is now enshrined in ENC folklore that shooting a weir in a narrowboat is known as doing a Clutterbook.

You couldn't make it up could you ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Health & Safety

I was in a pub the other day (here we go again.... Matt) chatting away to another boater who cruises single-handed on a regular basis, when the topic of lock safety came up.

She had seen new notices on locks stating that the wearing of life jackets was compulsory when operating the locks. Between us we had nearly 20 years of locking experience but had never fallen in a lock. What have we been doing wrong we asked?

Another stupid development is the fencing off of the tail end of locks. This restricts the options to single-handed boaters (and crews alike.... Matt). Presumably walking on the roof of a narrowboats is soon to be made verboten too? Status boaters would, of course, never dream of walking on the roof anyway.... Think of all those muddy footprints darling !

Then a thought occurred to us, maybe the two were linked? Maybe part of the reason we had not been for a swim in a lock was because we used the roof of the boat as a "safe haven" in slippery conditions and had painted it with non-slip paint?

Rudolph Hooker -- Spring ASBO ?

I was drinking in a bar the other day, relating to a fellow boater how nice it was that spring had finally arrived with temperatures in double digits and sunshine to boot. This had prompted me to address the maintenance backlog on the Mucky Duck.

I sat on the towpath in my shorts and T-shirt and painted my short pole. A nearby boater remarked I would have been in trouble doing that on the BCN with all it's security cameras...... an ASBO would surely be in the post at this very moment!

Ruddolph Hooker -- Past It ?

I wandered into a canal side pub the other day (Just for a change ? .... Matt), with a few other boaters for a beer or two. When it was my shout I wandered up to the bar for another round of Speckled Hen. It was then I noticed a sign behind the bar proclaiming that all baseball caps had to be removed on the premises.

When I reported this back to Alf he immediately went off on one saying he was not taking his IWA cap off, his Dad fought in the last war, what about his civil liberties etc.. etc... I was wearing my best "Mucky Duck" cap, Steve had his usual diesel stained baseball cap on, which was probably a fire hazard, Only Pete was hatless.

All went quiet when I pointed out we had already had three rounds and nobody had challenged us. The implications of this soon hit home. We were all past it ! Nobody considered us a security threat or likely to create mayhem in the bar. We drank up and left. It didn't help when we ribbed Alf by saying the IWA was obviously a spent force !

Does anyone know where we can get four Provo IWA caps ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Red Braces ?

Looking at the things AV(2010)PLC are doing these days, there seems to be yawning gap between what the customers want and what AV actually does. Whilst the customers are interested in water points, winding holes, stiff lock gates et al, AV seems to be obsessed with image and branding issues. After all that's where they spend most of their time, effort and money. I am at a loss to account for this policy.

A friend of mine (real boater) suggested it may be a simple case of common sense versus an ego in a suit wearing red braces ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Provisional IWA

As the average age of the IWA membership grew higher and higher, it was inevitable that the membership numbers would start to dwindle. The natural course of events was hastened by the fact that for years the IWA was seen as cosying up first to BW, now to AV(2010)PLC.

The younger breed of boater (under 60 ? .... Matt) felt a more pro-active organisation was required to represent them. Thus the Provisional IWA was born. The title started as a joke. The result of a midwinter drinking session in the Shroppie Fly, legend has it.
The beauty of this organisation is it only exists on the web. It is a "virtual" organisation with, apparently, no members.

However, various protests have taken place from time to time, (mainly because many boaters feel their is no other way of expressing their views), and the Pro IWA has claimed responsibility. Whether they organised the events no one knows. Because of it's "virtual" nature the police seem to ignore it. They have enough trouble with child porn on the net to be bothered with militant boaters.
Militant boaters? 5 years ago that would have been considered an oxymoron.