Rudoph Hooker -- Headgear

Regular readers will know that I have mentioned this topic before, especially with regard to the banning of baseball caps in certain pubs. The other day, whilst having a pint or two with Chalkie White, we came up with a cracking idea that I thought I ought to share with you.

What boaters need is some sort of "official" headgear. If we could agree on a style then we could claim wearing it was part of our religion. ( I like the idea of being a Devout Boater .... Matt). Anyone being challenged in licensed premises for wearing the said headgear could then sue the owners on the grounds of religious discrimination.

Complex devices similar to turbans are not considered practical. However, perhaps we should include some sort of floatation device or a compartment for your boat keys ? So, when it's pouring down outside and the wind is howling, have a think about a suitable design for a "boaters" hat?

Please note. Don't worry too much if wearing your design makes you look a burk. Look at all those who cruise in Australian Bush hats. It doesn't seem to worry them. Perhaps we could persuade the IWA to take it up as their official headgear ?

Ms D. Vine -- Horn Blowing

On leaving Autherley Junction around a month ago on my narrowboat I was reprimanded by another boater for having a "feeble horn". It appears I was guilty of sounding the wrong number of blasts too.

My crew person was in hysterics. She said she'd never known me be associated with a feeble horn before! It was no surprise, therefore that a couple of weeks later a parcel arrived containing twin air horns. Not just common or garden air horns either. You can select 1 of 15 "tunes" for them to play at the touch of a button. Yesterday I left the Staffs & Worcs at Gt Haywood and joined the Trent & Mersey with a rousing rendition of "Colonel Bogey". Splendid!

It is now standard procedure the day prior to reaching a junction, to call a meeting of the horn committee. There we decide the most suitable tune to accompany our exit / entrance. Authentic canal procedure? Not at all, but everyone's aware of our presence and it gets a laugh.

The Vole -- Re-branding ?

None of my agents can get to the bottom of the relationship between the CanalShare boat hire company and AV(2010)PLC , but there's no doubt they get preferential treatment in AV owned marinas.

However, following several serious accidents which resulted in fatalities, something had to be done. A meeting was held here at Ivory Towers last week to discuss the safety issues. After several hours of often heated discussions , AV's safety officer (Dick Court)stormed off muttering expletives. I can now see why.

The only firm commitment from CanalShare was to change it's name and re-brand it's new fleet to shake off it's poor safety record.

Matt Black -- Restructuring Guru ?

Hugh Baton has issued a press statement informing the nation that as of the 1st of November Mandy Botes will be in charge of restructuring AV(2010)PLC in her role as Director of Change.

Penny for her thoughts ?

Ms D. Vine -- Cave Men

On the subject of accountants, if the world had always been run by them, we would still be living in caves for sure.

In accounting speak, how could you justify leaving premises that were free, secure and required no maintenance? To build houses would require the deployment of capital, time and effort, for what return? No chance sayeth the accountant.

Just keep this in mind when talking to your companies "Bean Counters". You are, in effect, talking to cavemen (cave persons?... Matt).

Rudolph Hooker -- Black Box ?

I was in a Canal side pub the other day talking to boater who had just witnessed a hire boat driven more like a dodgem. It had crashed into just about everything on it's way through a flight of 5 locks, in one case dislodging a substantial coping stone at a lock entrance.

This tallies with info from my friend in the hire boat industry who suspects the dramatic rise in damage to their craft is definitely not "accidental" Perhaps some sort of Black Box recorder was in order I ventured. With a GPS receiver an accelerometer, and a memory card, it would be possible to record where, when and severity of every impact Then the hirer could impose a surcharge based on that data.

Unfortunately, if Hamish Sidebotham FD of AV(2010)PLC got to hear of this device my companion pointed out, boaters would end up paying a mileage and lock surcharge as well as the Licence.

This "Accountant Mentality" has a lot to answer for.

Rudolph Hooker -- Online Moorings

AV Marinas(2010)PLC is concerned that, having finally got a decent marina on the Shroppie (at Wheaton Aston), a year on it's still almost empty. However, the miles of online moorings remain. The reason is, of course, cost. The cost of a marina berth is 3 times that of an online mooring.

Could this be why all the AV "Slow Moored Boats" signs have disappeared recently? A friend of mine in the hire business has heard on the grapevine that secretly AV hopes online moorers will get fed up with boats speeding by and go into the marina. My informant suggested that the partially AV owned hire company CanalShare is encouraging its hirers to ignore moored boats as well.

I myself became suspicious when certain AV friendly magazines such as Canal World have carried articles proclaiming speeding is not a problem if you moor up tight. Do I detect the work of Hugh Baton here ?