Ms D. Vine -- Horn Blowing

On leaving Autherley Junction around a month ago on my narrowboat I was reprimanded by another boater for having a "feeble horn". It appears I was guilty of sounding the wrong number of blasts too.

My crew person was in hysterics. She said she'd never known me be associated with a feeble horn before! It was no surprise, therefore that a couple of weeks later a parcel arrived containing twin air horns. Not just common or garden air horns either. You can select 1 of 15 "tunes" for them to play at the touch of a button. Yesterday I left the Staffs & Worcs at Gt Haywood and joined the Trent & Mersey with a rousing rendition of "Colonel Bogey". Splendid!

It is now standard procedure the day prior to reaching a junction, to call a meeting of the horn committee. There we decide the most suitable tune to accompany our exit / entrance. Authentic canal procedure? Not at all, but everyone's aware of our presence and it gets a laugh.

Ms D. Vine -- Cave Men

On the subject of accountants, if the world had always been run by them, we would still be living in caves for sure.

In accounting speak, how could you justify leaving premises that were free, secure and required no maintenance? To build houses would require the deployment of capital, time and effort, for what return? No chance sayeth the accountant.

Just keep this in mind when talking to your companies "Bean Counters". You are, in effect, talking to cavemen (cave persons?... Matt).

Ms D.Vine -- Canalside Refreshment

I came across a canal side Italian restaurant called "La Dolce Vita" (aren't they all .... Matt), recently. What caught my eye on the billboard outside was "Today's Special ---- Coffee and Muffin £2-95".

Being an ex public school girl I'm still partial to muffin. Typical Italian I though, still it was an offer to good to refuse. Needless to say I carried on my cruise refreshed and relaxed........

Ms D.Vine -- Material Problems, Logical Conclusion ?

Having read the Vole's latest missive I began to think where this process might lead if taken to it's logical conclusion. If every company adopted the fashionable "no stock" policy what would happen to the poor chap waiting for his 5 fence posts?

Well he would be in for a long wait. If the order has to be passed down the supply chain, somewhere in the world, someone has just gone out and planted a sapling with AV's name on it. Presumably delivery will be in 10 to 20 years depending on type of wood, local rainfall etc etc.

Is this progress I ask ?

Ms.D.Vine -- Overheads

The other day, when out cruising, there was a nasty scraping noise as I left the lock. Looking back I could see a metre long strip of iron had become detached from the lock entrance and was bent at 90 degrees fouling the entrance / exit to the lock.

A call to the AV emergency helpline was re-directed to the local office. There I was asked if the problem was really urgent as it would cost £1000 to send someone out on a Saturday. Now I reckon I could hire a van, go to a DIY store, buy the tools required, pay myself a decent wage and still fix the problem for £200. So where does the £1k come from?

If the overheads of AV(2010)PLC are such that real costs are multiplied by 5 to cover overheads, then no wonder there are problems. An indication of a bloated structure? Perhaps the ratio of "Talkers" to "Doers" is 5:1 too!

Ms D.Vine -- Boat Sales & Moorings

I have had a number of complaints from people searching for moorings that some people are jumping the queue by buying a boat from AVML(2010)Ltd. The latter confirmed that buying a boat from their brokerage entitled the purchaser to apply for a mooring which would normally be forthcoming within 28 Days.

When I rang Hugh Baton for an official statement he gave this short answer. "So? What's the problem? People buy a boat from us and get a mooring....it's just good business as far as we are concerned."

A boater who complained didn't get any further than "If you think you have a case sue us".

(Private monopolies ! Matt)

Ms D.Vine -- Recipe of the Day #1 Sorrel Sauce

Sorrel sauce - a sharp green sauce to serve with canal fish.

First drain the pound, (a short pound speeds up the process no end..... Matt), then scoop up those fish left floundering.
Gather some Sorrel (I know its a weed, but its a good weed)
Purée a handful of the chopped leaves in butter, and gradually stir stir in a small carton of cream.
Rub through a sieve and serve with your fish. (Unseived the mixture makes a perfect stuffing for trout, or other river fish.)

Ms D Vine -- Castlemill Revisited

Recently I found myself talking to a group of Americans, from a hire boat, who wanted to know if the boarded up site with razor wire topping at Castlemill was really the British equivalent of Guantanamo Bay as the graffiti suggested ! I was forced to recount the tale where BW closed down the boatyard, evicted the protesters, smugly claimed victory and then built the "compound" as it became known locally.

However, the protesters didn't let it rest there and did a deal with the local council to the effect that no planning permission for the site would be granted until the alternative facilities, promised by BW, came on stream. None did so the site has remained "blighted" ever since. Even the fencing, eyesore that it is, doesn't have planning permission..... it was just another example of BW over reacting.

AV(2010)PLC denies any responsibility for the situation regarding the Castlemill site, claiming it doesn't even own the site !
And so it goes on......

Ms D Vine -- More bodies in the Cut

The waterways press seems to be obsessed these days with dead bodies in the Cut. Is this just a way of filling empty pages on slow news days ?

As long as these bodies don't foul my prop I don't really give a damn. Am I alone in this view ?

Ms D.Vine -- Conservation ?

English Nature are lobbying anyone that will listen that certain marinas should become SSSIs. This would mean getting rid of the boats of course! One commentator who declined to be named put it like this:-

English Nature and a few other conservation bodies are miffed that there is more wildlife in many of the eco-friendly marinas built in the early noughties, than there is in their own reserves. As you can imagine this is highly embarrassing and EN et al are trying to keep this quiet, For years they have objected to canal restoration, but it seems the wildlife isn't that bothered about the odd passing boat. Indeed some have observed that by stirring up the bottom they actually do bottom feeding fish such as carp and barbel a favour.

Certain independent bodies have observed that several marinas sampled were found to be teaming with wildlife despite the presence of 200+ boats. EN have, of course, refused to comment on this.

Ms D. Vine -- Profile

Ms D. Vine has an impeccable CV. She is secretive about her place (and year) of birth, but was educated at Rodine so what went before is irrelevant (as she puts it). Who´s Who confirms that she was married to a Tory MP but understandably felt that was a not good prospect for the future and left her open to ridicule and pity amongst her friends at the WI. In due course she divorced the "chinless wonder", but it all came to nought when she was knocked down by an illegal immigrant driving a taxi outside a well known London night club. The head injury sustained in the accident changed her personality to such an extent she bought a narrowboat, became a boater and has been a liveaboard ever since.

I felt it only proper to have a woman on the team in the interests of balance. I´m sure you will agree, having read the brief resume above, that she will be an important asset to NNN.