The Vole -- Paranoia Central

The missing CD's have turned up but where is a very closely guarded secret. All seemed well for a while until a mischievous IT person (prompted by yours truly) suggested they had been copied whilst "missing". Now paranoia has set in big time.

One effect of this wheeze, if that's what it was, is that most staff now know Ivory Towers is bugged. Staff now walk down the corridors then smile at something innocuous like an air-con grille and say in a loud voice something like I think xxxxxx is doing a wonderful job. ( xxxxxx tends to depend on which department they work for!). Once around the corner the laughing starts. This gives Ivory Towers a slightly surreal quality, people talking to vents, mirrors, pictures on the walls, in fact all sorts of office addenda, all the time sporting sickly grins.

The MD and the FD held a meeting in the MD's AMG Merc the other day, such is the state of paranoia. It was a waste of time though, They sat in the front seats. Betty Elmwood (of purchasing) had a clear view of the Merc from her desk on the second floor. Being partially deaf she is an expert lip-reader. Her shorthand is pretty nifty too by all accounts.

Copies of the transcript of the meeting can be obtained, I'm told, by putting a gin and tonic on Betty's tab in the Pig and Truffle pub around the corner !

Rudolph Hooker -- Mothballed.

I was talking to a chap the other day in the Shroppie Fly at Audlem, who turned out to be a retired BW employee. He told me that a mate of his who worked for AV(2010)PLC had just found a stack of grass and hedge cutting gear in a warehouse near Nantwich.

Subsequent investigations showed the equipment had been purchased by the newly privatised BW (AV) and was much bigger, better and more efficient than anything they'd had before. Just one snag. The equipment was too high / wide to go under the average canal bridge. Some of it was too wide for the average towpath too. As a result it had been mothballed and hidden away in this little used and remote storage shed. It was all brand new with only an hour or two on the clock.

Presumably the person who ordered this equipment (roughly £350k's worth) was too embarrassed to take it back or sell it. So if any of you out there own a small holding or an estate and want some spanking new kit at give away prices contact AV(2010)PLC .

The Vole -- A Mole Strikes ?

Last Friday it was panic stations here at Ivory Towers. I mentioned some time ago that microphones had been installed all over Ivory Towers. The voice data is captured, converted to low bit rate MP3 and then stored on a server. Every month a backup of that months data is burned onto DVDs.

The panic was started when it was discovered the backup DVDs for the last six months had gone missing. The cases, all neatly labelled and filed, were in the IT safe, but the DVDs themselves had been removed. Neat.

The MD is now convinced there is a spy at work within Ivory Towers! In actual fact there must be more than one as none of this has anything to do with me!

I am still a little miffed that a Mole has outdone the Vole! Doh....

Matt Black -- Call Centre in China

At a press conference run by Hugh Baton (but with the Finance Director Hamish Sidebotham riding shotgun) it was announced that from next month all incoming enquiries and certain back office tasks such as licence renewals would be via the new AV(2010)PLC call centre based in northern China. The reason given was cost.

A member of the press asked why this was taking place when the public hated call centres in general and ones in foreign countries in particular. Hugh Baton replied that "Call centres got their bad reputation when they based in India during the mid 2000's". "Being based in China was a different thing altogether", he went on, though none of those present could see why and Hugh ignored requests to explain.

The FD jumped to Hugh's defence by saying that the call centre could be in the U.K if people would man them for a sensible hourly rate. "A bowl of rice per shift perhaps?" came an ad lib from the audience. That about summed it up I thought and left.

Rudolph Hooker -- No T.V ?

There are times when things happen on the Cut that take you by surprise. They are so bizarre as to make you wonder as to whether the incident really happened or was just a fleeting vision during an afternoon nap.

The other day I heard a narrowboat underway, about half an hour before nightfall, travelling at a fair pace with two voices shouting "No, No" at regular intervals. Intrigued, I opened my side doors to see a hire boat approaching at speed. The No's were coming from a chap stood in the well deck. It was only as the boat sped past that I realised what was happening. One of the crew was looking at the T.V , which was only showing noise, and was relaying the picture quality to the man on the front deck. He in turn relayed the information to the tiller person. One presumes that, once a decent picture became available they would drop anchor, tie up or something. They seemed somewhat distraught so I assume their favourite soap had already started!

Mooring by T.V reception! Perhaps that why you see hire boats scattered all over the place? I suppose it takes all sorts......

Rudolph Hooker --- Pension Funds

Whilst perusing the Times in a canal side pub recently I read an article which stated that most peoples pensions had halved in value over the last 10 years. Tell me about it I thought. Then something the Vole mentioned set me thinking.

The MD of AV2010(PLC) recently stated, in public, he had not had a pay rise in two years. Was this true I thought ? One way to find out. Owning a few shares in AV means I get a copy of the annual report / accounts. After several hours of scanning the boring stuff what do I find? Buried deep in the accounts I find that whilst the "pay freeze" was true , the MD had had over £ 500K paid into his private pension scheme by Av(2010) over the last 2 years to top up his salary of 300k p.a.

Not bad eh? I wonder how much the average employee of AV has had put in theirs? (Of course the more recently appointed staff aren't entitled to join the pension scheme.... Matt)

As an old friend of mine always said "There are lies , damned lies and accounts..."

Ms D.Vine -- Canalside Refreshment

I came across a canal side Italian restaurant called "La Dolce Vita" (aren't they all .... Matt), recently. What caught my eye on the billboard outside was "Today's Special ---- Coffee and Muffin £2-95".

Being an ex public school girl I'm still partial to muffin. Typical Italian I though, still it was an offer to good to refuse. Needless to say I carried on my cruise refreshed and relaxed........

The Vole -- New Appointment

Helen Highwater has quickly covered her (rather pretty) ass by appointing Geoff Arbuthnott of the Northern Shires to be her assistant. At the moment I have to admit the exact title has eluded my spies. Geoff has a broad northern accent so some wag suggested the next appointment by the Engineering chief will be a translator!

Never one to miss a photo opportunity Ms Highwater went to see the installation of one of the new Chinese made lock gates. However, all did not go to plan. She arrived in high heels and was not permitted on site wearing those by the Health and Safety representative. Her short skirt was eventually complemented by a pair of borrowed size 10 (men's) wellies which looked very fetching according to workmen on the site. Some took photos, no doubt for their private (fetish?) collections.

Worse was to come however. Being only 5ft 2ins tall and 8 1/2 stone wet through, she posed by one of the gates, but was then unable to close it. Geoff had to lend her a hand to complete the process..... the shape of things to come?

The Vole -- Resignation of the Week.

It would appear the rat's are starting to leave the sinking ship. In reality of course it's the most able that leave first, they find it easiest to get new jobs. The brown-noses invariably stay put (out of necessity).

The most notable resignation is that of Head of Engineering, Ivor Wrench, who handed in his notice last week. He described the new slimmed down Engineering Dept. as an "effin joke" and refused to implement the cuts. Ivor is moving to an unspecified firm of Engineering Consultants specialising in water related projects.

His place as Head of Engineering will be taken by Helen Highwater. Helen does not have any engineering qualifications, but doesn't see this as problem "Everything major will be outsourced in the future anyway" she said, "so my degree in Business Studies will be more than adequate". The fact that Helen went to college with and is still a close friend of the MD's daughter is not relevant according to Human Resources.

The MD is reputed to be furious about Ivor's resignation and made remarks to the effect that loyalty was sadly lacking in AV(2010)PLC employees these days. (Doesn't loyalty work both ways any more? ...... Matt)

The Vole -- Hello Boss Got a New Motor

Speaking of the MD. It's not cost cutting all the way though. I noticed that new security cameras were being installed to monitor activity in the Directors Car Park the other day. The reason soon became clear. In a masterpiece of insensitivity the MD turned up in a brand new AMG Mercedes complete with AV 2010 number plate which would have cost well over £120K. Some brave soul mentioned this and was told by the MD "How I spend my bonus is my business".

Now as regular readers will know I have a listening device in the Executive loo and this came up trumps yet again. ( Crap pun .... Matt). It appears, according to a senior accountant (there are many!), the Merc was bought by one of AV's PR consultancy firms and an invoice raised by them for £150K for (unspecified) "work done" has arrived in the Accounts Dept.. My spy in the Purchasing Department tells me the a "special P.O" had been raised a few days ago and had been sanctioned by the MD the same day. Normally all P.Os over £10k have to have 3 director signatures. The cost code on the P.O is one not one normally used by the Publicity Dept. either.I leave it to you to make the connection.

It's nice to know that in a crisis the senior management is focussed on the task in hand.

The Vole -- Sharpening the Axe

Meetings are being held on a daily basis to decide how to restructure AV(2010)PLC in order to save money. Engineering Head Ivor Wrench is looking particularly harassed these days, which confirms my worst fears. It will be another round of blood letting for the "doers" whilst the "talkers" (e.g. New Marina Unit ?) carry on as normal. This has been the trend in U.K companies for the last decade or more so why change now I can hear the MD saying.....

Ms D.Vine -- Material Problems, Logical Conclusion ?

Having read the Vole's latest missive I began to think where this process might lead if taken to it's logical conclusion. If every company adopted the fashionable "no stock" policy what would happen to the poor chap waiting for his 5 fence posts?

Well he would be in for a long wait. If the order has to be passed down the supply chain, somewhere in the world, someone has just gone out and planted a sapling with AV's name on it. Presumably delivery will be in 10 to 20 years depending on type of wood, local rainfall etc etc.

Is this progress I ask ?

The Vole -- Material Problems

I was talking to a member of staff who, here in Ivory Towers, is considered to be from the lower echelons. Namely a maintenance man. He was totally bemused by the latest quest for efficiency. It appears engineering departments within AV(2010)PLC are no longer allowed to have "Stores". If you need materials for a job you raise a purchase order (PO) on a suitable (AV approved) supplier.

Good in theory, crap in practice. Now the shutters have come down financially, every PO has to be signed by anything up to 4 different managers and the MD (some say his Labrador dog has to pee on it too). The net result is it takes on average 2 weeks for an order to leave AV.

The guy I was talking to had been waiting weeks for 5 fence posts! He wandered off muttering something about piss-ups and breweries.

Matt Black -- Rough Justice

I've just had a report from a boater who left his car overnight on a street adjacent to the Canal where his boat was moored. Unfortunately it was vandalised with the headlamps and rear lights receiving particular attention from the Bozos.

Naturally he called the Police but became extremely agitated when the Officer arrived. He issued the poor chap with a fixed penalty fine for having defective lighting and told him to get it off the public highway pronto. No mention of apprehending the vandals.

When challenged the said the policeman stated, "they couldn't afford to have officers patrolling at night these days. Anyway it was dangerous to be out after dark alone and the Police Federation had banned this practice".

So much for the advice in the waterways mags...... report all incidents to the Police (but only if you are on foot.... Matt)

Rudolph Hooker -- Water Shortages ?

I dropped across a copy of Towpath Networking the other day. It's centre page spread was dedicated to how serious the drought of the summer of 2011 had been, with regard to canal water supplies. However, the examples given were to do with the water reservoirs in the Pennines that feed the Macclesfield and the Trent & Mersey canals. This rather sensational piece of journalism seemed to think that, as the water levels in the reservoirs (after the driest summer in living memory) were only 50 to 60% of their capacity, this represented a serious problem. I beg to differ. The figures quoted were for August. With the autumn / winter rains (and snow?) imminent and the busy season on the canals over, surely there is no problem at this point in time.

Canal Engineers such as Brindley and Jessop would have been pleased to know they had got the capacity of the reservoirs about right. Think about it. If the reservoirs had only 10% left they would have been too small, whereas if they had been 98% full one would question the need for the reservoirs at all!

In these times, when the number of people doing further education in any numerate subject ( Maths and Physics especially) is the square root of bugger all, it comes as no surprise that this sort of alarmist nonsense is peddled in public. It reminds me of the papers produced in the 1800's by Dionysius Lardner. He criticised Brunel's work, claiming among other things, that if the brakes failed on a train in the Box Tunnel it would emerge at over 100mph and passengers in open carriages would, at this speed, suffocate. Complete and utter nonsense of course, but these assertions panicked a public with no formal education. Old boaters are not so easily taken in methinks!

The Vole -- Towpath Troubles

In the middle of the last decade BW spent much time and money grading and metalling towpaths for "multi-purpose" use. In fact, as predicted by many of the boating associations, all that happened is the smooth towpaths became ideal for mini-motos, scrambler bikes and kamikaze mountain bikers. Far from being multi-user friendly, the towpaths became a highly dangerous place to be if on foot.

The problems were highlighted and remedies suggested by the PTBB (Put The Bumps Back) society. However, frustration caused by the lack of action, has led to certain individuals digging up sections of towpath and covering the surface in brick rubble and the like. More subtle protests involved taking cuttings from hawthorn and blackthorn hedges and scattering the cuttings along towpaths. Wheeled transport suffered greatly from punctures as a result.

Now AV(2010)PLC's response, the STI (Slow Towpath Initiative), is due for the chop as part of the ongoing cost saving program. However, Ivor Wrench came up with an idea that has saved the day. Dump the muck from dredging operations on the towpath (and sod em all). "Walkers / boaters / fisherman will tread it down and make a reasonable path in the end" said Ivor. "No problem".

(Old boaters will be thinking this is where we came in.... Matt)

Ms.D.Vine -- Overheads

The other day, when out cruising, there was a nasty scraping noise as I left the lock. Looking back I could see a metre long strip of iron had become detached from the lock entrance and was bent at 90 degrees fouling the entrance / exit to the lock.

A call to the AV emergency helpline was re-directed to the local office. There I was asked if the problem was really urgent as it would cost £1000 to send someone out on a Saturday. Now I reckon I could hire a van, go to a DIY store, buy the tools required, pay myself a decent wage and still fix the problem for £200. So where does the £1k come from?

If the overheads of AV(2010)PLC are such that real costs are multiplied by 5 to cover overheads, then no wonder there are problems. An indication of a bloated structure? Perhaps the ratio of "Talkers" to "Doers" is 5:1 too!

Rudolph Hooker -- A Cunning Plan ?

The short fall in the AV(2010)PLC accounts is indeed serious if it is true. However, I can recollect several instances in the not too distant past, where public companies have used a similar ruse to extract grants from the government of the day.

This was often successful (think Railtrack) and resulted in a PLC giving dividends to shareholders whilst receiving extensive handouts from taxpayers. Not quite capitalism in action methinks.

Still it makes it easier for executives to achieve their targets and trouser substantial bonuses. 'Twas ever thus.