The Vole -- Pretend Boaters

Hugh Baton has been getting some flack (on behalf of AV(2010)PLC .... Matt) from various publications and internet sites. In a meeting he brushed much of the criticism aside claiming most of it was from people "pretending" to be boaters.

Now this set me thinking. Who does AV (or Hugh Baton) regard to be real boaters ?
You can rule out continuous cruisers and liveaboards for a start.(AV hates them for using the system...Matt). Surely the hire boats / time-share / shared ownerships must be excluded too. Then, what about the folk who only venture onto the cut a couple weeks a year ? Who is there left to be "real boaters"?

I suspect the answer may be all or none of these. You see dear boater AV sees the "real boater" as someone who has deep pockets and more money than sense......

Rudolph Hooker -- Spring ASBO ?

I was drinking in a bar the other day, relating to a fellow boater how nice it was that spring had finally arrived with temperatures in double digits and sunshine to boot. This had prompted me to address the maintenance backlog on the Mucky Duck.

I sat on the towpath in my shorts and T-shirt and painted my short pole. A nearby boater remarked I would have been in trouble doing that on the BCN with all it's security cameras...... an ASBO would surely be in the post at this very moment!

Ms D Vine -- More bodies in the Cut

The waterways press seems to be obsessed these days with dead bodies in the Cut. Is this just a way of filling empty pages on slow news days ?

As long as these bodies don't foul my prop I don't really give a damn. Am I alone in this view ?

Ruddolph Hooker -- Past It ?

I wandered into a canal side pub the other day (Just for a change ? .... Matt), with a few other boaters for a beer or two. When it was my shout I wandered up to the bar for another round of Speckled Hen. It was then I noticed a sign behind the bar proclaiming that all baseball caps had to be removed on the premises.

When I reported this back to Alf he immediately went off on one saying he was not taking his IWA cap off, his Dad fought in the last war, what about his civil liberties etc.. etc... I was wearing my best "Mucky Duck" cap, Steve had his usual diesel stained baseball cap on, which was probably a fire hazard, Only Pete was hatless.

All went quiet when I pointed out we had already had three rounds and nobody had challenged us. The implications of this soon hit home. We were all past it ! Nobody considered us a security threat or likely to create mayhem in the bar. We drank up and left. It didn't help when we ribbed Alf by saying the IWA was obviously a spent force !

Does anyone know where we can get four Provo IWA caps ?

Rudolph Hooker -- Red Braces ?

Looking at the things AV(2010)PLC are doing these days, there seems to be yawning gap between what the customers want and what AV actually does. Whilst the customers are interested in water points, winding holes, stiff lock gates et al, AV seems to be obsessed with image and branding issues. After all that's where they spend most of their time, effort and money. I am at a loss to account for this policy.

A friend of mine (real boater) suggested it may be a simple case of common sense versus an ego in a suit wearing red braces ?

The Vole -- Annual Assessment

This week I had my annual assessment at AV(2010)PLC. You are never quite sure how to play these, or what topics are likely to come up. Some of the standard questions are easy to deal with. The likes of "How do you think you've done" are loaded questions of course. The management hope you will talk yourself out of a pay rise on the basis that most honest people are there own sternest critic. I've read books about this crap so my reply of "I don't know how I do it for the money " kills that sort of topic stone dead.

Instead only two things were mentioned by the boss man:-

The first was it had been noted I went to the loo frequently! As readers will know the loo is the one place where there are no cameras or mikes. This question was easy to dodge as I had a prepared answer...... I was suffering from an infected bladder. Believable, and designed to elicit sympathy. No problem !

The second came out of the blue, and took me off guard. It appears I had been guilty of non PC and obscene whistling ! This is a tough one. How do you reply to that ? Whistling is something you tend to do when you are happy so I suppose that's suspicious in itself and bound to annoy management. However, what tunes you whistle are almost subliminal, so what could I say? In a way it was a good thing this happened. I 'd won most of the other rounds so to lose this one was probably a good thing. I apologised and promised to mend my ways, after all no-one likes a smart-arse.

The Vole -- Marina Meeting

The meeting didn't get off to a very good start. Ivor Wrench Head of Engineering couldn't make it and fielded a subordinate. This chap (Harry Postlethwaite) had the temerity to speak and then came out with this wonderful pearl of wisdom:-

Harry
"Why don't you spread them around the system and build them on crap land that's fit for nowt"

That blew the agenda out of the window and Marketing spent the next two hours trying to explain it wasn't that easy ! (Oh yes it is ..... Matt). Nobody was convinced though.

Marketing
"Building marinas close to existing marinas is a safe bet as it shows there is demand"

Harry
"That's bloody daft, there's next to nowt on the Shroppie it's all sodding on-line mooring"
Harry
" Have any of you lot been up the Shroppie?"
Marketing
(Silence)

Marketing
"Surveys as to the impact on boat traffic through certain locks will have to be carried out"
Harry
" Ask the boaters.... They'll tell you where the worst effin hold-ups are"
Marketing
"That would mean we would have to consult our customers"
Harry
" We can get all that sort of stuff off the telemetry fitted to the locks anyway... what's the problem?"

And so it went on..... I reckon Harry could have sorted the whole problem in about a month.
Instead it was decided to appoint around 10 senior people to form a Marina Task Force with a £500K budget. (Ah Private industry is so efficient ! ... Matt).

Harry was overhead phoning Ivor after the meeting.....
"Waste of time boss..... Total bunch of winkers"

Unofficial minutes of the meeting ?

Matt Black -- Anti Vandal Measures

The metal mural by the side of Dallow Lock on the Trent & Mersey canal has been the site of some intriguing battles over the years.
After it's installation it was proposed, by BW, that a device emitting loud high frequency audio be fitted in the vicinity to deter vandals / graffiti artists. This had to be removed in the end after the courts decided it breached the yobbo's (you can't say that ...Matt) human rights !

A new device may be the answer. It is a combination of the anti-collision radar fitted to cars and a scaled up version of the ink-jet assembly in your computer printer. In essence the radar locates the presence of an individual and the unit issues an audible warning. If this is ignored and the person moves closer they get sprayed across the chest with paint.

Now as you can imagine this initially was created much alarm amongst the do-gooders until some bright spark had the idea of actually writing I LUV MY MUM across the chest of the intruder. A touch of genius I think you'll agree!
Even the most liberal human rights activist could not object to those sentiments, and what yobbo would be seen with that on the front of their £50 designer T-shirt?

Hugh Baton said AV were aware of the system and would be watching trials of the unit elsewhere with interest.

The Vole -- Marina Meeting

A sure sign that the brown stuff is near the fan is when senior managers hold a pre-meeting meeting. This took place well out of the way of the cameras & mikes at Ivory Towers. It appears to have paid off. At the genuine meeting, the MD's usual divide and rule tactics failed, for once he was outmanoeuvred by his underlings.

Instead of a "Whodunnit" the meeting turned into a "where do we go from here" meeting. Spending AV's own money on marina building was soon ruled out. Everyone at the meeting would lose some / all of their bonus if this went ahead. Instead, all agreed, partners should be sought to build these marinas, whilst AV(2010)PLC does the paperwork regarding planning permission etc. The fact that this tactic failed miserably around 5 years ago was ignored of course.

More interesting, perhaps, was the off-the-cuff remark by the Finance Director that AV(2010) Marinas Ltd was a separate business only to the extent that the computerised accounts for it were kept on a separate server!

So there you have it in a nutshell. Separate business, no, separate accounts yes.

Rudolph Hooker -- Provisional IWA

As the average age of the IWA membership grew higher and higher, it was inevitable that the membership numbers would start to dwindle. The natural course of events was hastened by the fact that for years the IWA was seen as cosying up first to BW, now to AV(2010)PLC.

The younger breed of boater (under 60 ? .... Matt) felt a more pro-active organisation was required to represent them. Thus the Provisional IWA was born. The title started as a joke. The result of a midwinter drinking session in the Shroppie Fly, legend has it.
The beauty of this organisation is it only exists on the web. It is a "virtual" organisation with, apparently, no members.

However, various protests have taken place from time to time, (mainly because many boaters feel their is no other way of expressing their views), and the Pro IWA has claimed responsibility. Whether they organised the events no one knows. Because of it's "virtual" nature the police seem to ignore it. They have enough trouble with child porn on the net to be bothered with militant boaters.
Militant boaters? 5 years ago that would have been considered an oxymoron.

Matt Black -- Dirty Protest?

For some time now it has been the policy by the Engineering Dept. of AV(2010)PLC to dump sludge from dredging operations on the nearest suitable bit of towpath. However, as the dredging funds had been withdrawn for 2006, this anti-social (and anti-boater) behaviour was assumed to have stopped. Not so! Several stretches of towpath in the Braunston area have been covered in the aforementioned sludge. This is somewhat surprising as there did not appear to be dredging operations in that immediate area. Even more curious is the stretches of towpath to suffer this fate. They just happen to be areas that continuous cruisers frequent during the winter months. There were mutterings claiming "harassment" of continuous cruisers as the root cause of this state of affairs.

I mention the above as a backdrop to an event which took place at the local AV(2010)PLC area office. It seems sometime over the weekend someone had dumped several lorry loads of manure in the AV car park. Not just anywhere mind, but all across the "executive" car park in front of the building. There was a placard on the top of one heap, claiming the perpetrators were members of the Provisional IWA!

The police were called but as the problem was on private property it was not obvious to them what crime had been committed so they went away again. They returned some time later in a large van and proceeded to fill plastic bags with some of the manure. The policemen described their actions as "collecting evidence", but why they needed 50 bags of evidence remains another mystery.

Rudolph Hooker -- Stiff gates

Whilst downing a pint of Spitfire the other night in a canalside pub, I struck up a conversation with a chap called Bert Flangewick. It turns out he worked for BW in the "good old days" ( I can't believe I'm printing this.... Matt). The topic of gates that are stiff to shut and fall open in the slightest breeze came up. Ah no problem said the man, I'll show you what's wrong!

He took out a Biro and a matchbox to make a simulated lock gate. Look here he said. Using the Biro as the pivot, he moved the top of the Biro (sorry pivot) to the left, and the matchbox (sorry gate) swung to the left. Conversely, moving the top of the pivot to the right the gate swung to the right.

From this he said, you can figure out that if the gate falls open the pivots of the gates are too far apart at the top, i.e facing outwards from the lock. In my day, he said, we always hung gates with the pivots leaning in a tad. I asked him if AV had been in touch and he said yes, but when he asked if he was entitled to a consultancy fee they hung up!

All it cost me to solve the stiff gate saga was 8 pints of Spitfire, 3 for Bert 5 for me. (He did most of the talking then? .... Matt)

Matt Black -- "Flying Lockie" Service

An unidentified spokesperson (Hugh Baton is on holiday) for AV(2010)PLC announced a new service for boaters having problems with stiff gates. This service was immediately dubbed the "Flying Lockie" service by the boating press.

Beefy blokes mounted on all-terrain BMW motorbikes will stationed near to known trouble spots. Boaters in trouble at unworkable locks (our description not AVs .... Matt) will be able to ring a number and call up a "Flying Lockie" to help them. A 30 minute response time was quoted.

Phone calls to AV along the lines "Why don't you fix the lock gates by hanging them properly" were directed to the Engineering Dept. where "Everyone was out".

Rudolph Hooker -- Marinas, the Last Decade

Adapting to my new role of NNN's old fart (no comment... Matt), I thought it would be worthwhile doing a review for newcomers to the waterways of how this ongoing marina / mooring fiasco came about.

During the great boat building boom of 2002 to 2005 approximately 1500 boats a year were being build by our then flourishing (indigenous) boat building industry. Anyone with half a brain knew this was not sustainable in the longer term, especially as very few new moorings were being created. Even worse, the poseurs who bought their "status boats" expected top-notch marinas in which to display their latest, "in your face", toy. By roughly 2004 all moorings of any kind were taken and people with lower spec boats were being forced out the newest marinas to make way for the poseur brigade.

Some people are convinced that the old BW contrived this situation because they then saw to it mooring prices doubled in the next two years. Remember, by this time BW Marinas Ltd was buying every Marina it could lay it's hands on to create a near total mooring monopoly. Then of course the bubble burst. The advice to any prospective owner had been, from 2004 onwards, "get a mooring first". As there were none to be had, they took their money elsewhere. During 2006 boat builders going bust was a weekly event. The industry was decimated by the dearth of new orders. Would you pay 200K+ for a boat and it leave on the towpath unattended for day after day? No chance.

Things were so desperate BW went so far as to admit it's previous policy of discouraging private marinas had been unhelpful (i.e. wrong!.... Matt). In the great British tradition the solution was to set up a committee, well the New Marinas Unit to be precise. Their job was to encourage private enterprise to build marinas for them (BW) and save them the trouble and the money. However, they estimated these marinas would cost around £2.5M a go. To many people that seemed an awful lot for what is basically a hole in the ground filled with water. And so it proved. Out of the estimated 11,000 spaces required only around 1200 actually came about.

So here we are in 2011, still 10,000 berths short and with no boat building industry to speak of. Most of the shells and completed boats are imported from Poland or China with just a few UK fit-out firms doing specialist work for wealthy (300K+ per boat!) clients.

No one, BW or AV(2010)PLC, has, to my knowledge, ever recycled the revenue it got from canal side property and land sell-offs into marina building. In a just society that would be a hanging offence.

The Vole -- Whodunnit Meeting

Last week my supremo got an E-Mail requesting he attend a meeting. He suspects this will be one of those meetings every manager dreads. A "Whodunnit" meeting. The reason for this type of meeting is to pin the blame on some poor bugger for something this (or previous) MD has done (or not done as the case may be).

Easy you are thinking, make some excuse and don't go. Wrong. Then you are a sitting duck. Blaming someone that isn't there is much easier than blaming someone that is. You just have to front it out and hope for the best. It's much the same as Russian Roulette, but the odds aren't as even.

Past misdemeanour's are never forgotten by MDs in my experience. To make it even more awkward,a misdemeanour's might be you were proved right on an issue, when the MD was wrong. This is why, from the board of directors down, no manager in his right mind has an opinion about anything.

The safest seats are those in areas where the MD knows least. If you are lucky he might feel just a little bit vulnerable in your area. This being the case, if you keep him out of the brown smelly stuff you are safe. Occasionally though you get an MD who's ego is so large he knows all there is to know about everything period. That's why he gets paid megabucks right?

This is where we came in. The topic on the "Whodunnit" agenda is "Marina's re Lack Of". I'll keep you posted.