The Vole -- Careless Links

I'm sorry that there has been no articles for a while but there has been a security sweep here. Him Upstairs was made aware of NNN because someone posted a link on their blog (Granddad something? someone said) and it showed up on Google. Paranoia has now reached new heights, even by senior management standards.

Not to worry, I removed my kit from the executive loo before the "workmen" arrived. A friend with exceptional IT skills showed me how to hack the "Facilities" directories on our server and we now know where all the new hidden cameras and mikes have been fitted in AV(2010) HQ, here at Ivory Towers. The mikes are really useful for feeding misinformation back into the "system". Anyone who has read or seen "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" will know how useful such a path can be! I'm reading a book about Bletchley Park's role in WW2 and so I'm boning up on dis-information techniques. Could come in handy? After all one has to cover one's tracks.

Normal service should be resumed any day now. Anyway apologies again for the news blackout.

Ms D.Vine -- Marina Funding

Hugh Baton made a public statement that AV were looking for partners for the Marina building program. ( This is an old chestnut. BW tried this one years ago ... Ed)

With AV(2010)PLC selling off property like there is no tomorrow, why don't they use this money to finance new marinas? Where are all the proceeds of the property sales going? Answers anyone?

On a slightly different tack, shouldn't the marina issue be tackled by AV(2010) Marinas Ltd? The inference is that the two AV operating units are not separate after all, merely a ruse to pacify the BMF.

The Vole -- Left Hand .... Right Hand ?

The Operations director, a certain Mr Vrumeburk (what a name, you couldn't make that one up and get away with it... Ed) has been on BBC R4 regarding canal side property development and shortly after Hugh Baton was on the radio too pleading poverty saying AV hadn't the cash for marina development and was looking for partners to share the costs.

Him Upstairs is not too pleased. Certain people ("Bastard Boaters" no doubt) have asked awkward questions (see Ms D.Vine). The timing of the two statements was unfortunate to say the least. The word is Vrumeburk was acting on his own and not gone through official channels. Hugh Baton was not amused it would seem.

Eyebrows were also raised about Hugh Baton making statements on marina building. The in-joke at the moment is he is "moonlighting" for AV(2010) Marinas Ltd. I hope (as a closet boater) the jokes have been within range of the new security mikes and that goes "upstairs" too.

The Vole

The Vole -- No Dredging

One glum face after the recent Board Meeting was Ivor Wrench, Head of Engineering. ( It is interesting to note that there is no Engineering Director at AV.....Ed). He said, in passing, his budget had been cut to shreds. I understand an E-Mail has already gone out to regions stating there would be no dredging this year due to lack of funds.

Matt Black -- Image Makeover

Following the recent AV(2010) PLC Board Meeting, Hugh Baton released this press statement.

The AV Board of Directors have today approved a budget of £1M to update the company logo, change the corporate colour scheme and conduct a general image makeover.

AV is a modern public facing company with shareholders. It is our duty to protect their investment and maximize the dividend paid each year. It is this Boards opinion that the old BW was far too interested in day to day maintenance of the waterways.

The City does not understand or is interested in the technical issues involved in running a canal system. It is only interested in the share price and earning potential. This is why the image AV presents to the public is crucial to our success.

The Vole -- Finance Department

The comments of the Finance Director at the Iridium License meeting have fuelled speculation that all may be not what it seems in the Finance Department. There is the name for a start. However, as one of the accountants said "only an idiot would choose Hamish Sidebotham as an alias"....... He has a point

Suspicions were raised when a shareholder at the AGM stood up and shouted "You're that bastard from Marconi that trashed my pension" and had to be ejected from the meeting. Then there was that photo on his office wall with him and a chap called Lord Simpsom. After the AGM it mysteriously disappeared.

Tracy, the canteen manageress hates him. She says he's always having stuff put on his "Tab" despite there being no credit facilities in the canteen! The clincher for Tracy is that he has "shifty eyes". Tracy is normally a good judge of these things as she's been round the block a time or two, as she puts it.

Other than the MD the FD is the most feared (and therefore hated) man at AV. His position seems assured for the time being though, as he (still) regularly plays golf with the MD. In fact he is the only staff member other than the MD with a handicap in single figures. HS puts this down to having a gap year in 2000/1 (at the age of 40+ ? .... Ed) to practice his swing!

Matt Black -- Hard Hats?

Following an accident near Horninglow Basin on the Trent & Mersey Canal in which a boater on the tiller of a hired narrowboat was injured by a low bridge, H&S officials have been called in to investigate.

The boater received a nasty cut to the head, which was treated by the AV paramedic who had been called to the scene. It took the biggest Elastoplast he had in his box to cover the wound, he said

H&S officials are now considering making the lower section of the T&M a linear "Hard Hat" area. Similar proposals have been made in the past regarding the Caldon Canal and all tunnels on the system.
One investigator said he didn't know why AV had done this when it was formed.

(It seems the boater is now suing AV for not putting up warning signs and in a separate case suing the paramedic on the grounds that the boater is allergic to Elastoplast..... Ed).

The Vole -- Iridium Moorings

They have put the cat amongst the pigeons with these Iridium moorings at Sawley. They shouldn´t have announced them until the new Iridium Licenses were available. Him Upstairs is not pleased. "Those bastards at Narrowboatworld will have a field day with this" was his reaction.

The IMs (as we call them in house) are to appeal to the upper echelons of the boating fraternity, or as a man from marketing put it in the gents washroom, those BMW owning gits with more money than sense who fancy a narrowboat now it´s become fashionable. He then muttered something about effin Waterworld and "status boaters", dried his hands and left!

I understand those who have already paid for their Platinum moorings are up in arms as they are no longer "the dogs bollocks" to quote one E-Mail.

That E-Mail in itself shows just how bad the Platinum moorings have become and why the even more exclusive Iridium ones are needed said AV spokesman Hugh Baton.

Matt Black -- Chinese Gates

AV announced that in the future all lock gates are to be made in China. So a 200 year old traditional industry will, like the rest of industry in this country, be no more.

A representative of the Shanghai Timber Co a Mr Lee Kin-Loc said it was a great honour to make the gates for the British canal system, He went on to say he thought the balance beams looked a little plain and may offer to embellish them with some traditional Chinese decoration at no extra cost ( in red & gold? .... Ed). AV refused to comment on the last statement.

The Vole -- Something Afoot

The property portfolio that was transferred to AV(2010)PLC when BW was privatised was (and continues to be) a closely guarded secret. Even the Vole has not managed to penetrate the security barriers of the Estates Department. There have been consistent rumours that certain prime sites had been squirrelled away for a "rainy day". Whose "rainy day" you may ask? That is a good question....

In recent weeks various members of the Estates Dept. have been seen in the corridors of power at our HQ in Ivory Towers. There is something going on. I'll have to plant my bugging device in the Executive Loo again, that's where all the prime gossip takes place...... (It's a good job all at AV personnel are banned from using the Internet! ....Ed)

Ms D.Vine -- Conservation ?

English Nature are lobbying anyone that will listen that certain marinas should become SSSIs. This would mean getting rid of the boats of course! One commentator who declined to be named put it like this:-

English Nature and a few other conservation bodies are miffed that there is more wildlife in many of the eco-friendly marinas built in the early noughties, than there is in their own reserves. As you can imagine this is highly embarrassing and EN et al are trying to keep this quiet, For years they have objected to canal restoration, but it seems the wildlife isn't that bothered about the odd passing boat. Indeed some have observed that by stirring up the bottom they actually do bottom feeding fish such as carp and barbel a favour.

Certain independent bodies have observed that several marinas sampled were found to be teaming with wildlife despite the presence of 200+ boats. EN have, of course, refused to comment on this.

The Vole -- Stiff gates

AV is getting a large number of calls from boaters unable to operate lock gates that are too stiff. Ivor Wrench Engineering denied there was anything wrong with the way the gates were fitted. However, On one of the rare occasions when Ivor was "on site" he was challenge by a formidable looking female boater to "you shut that sodin gate then smart-arse".

There followed a highly embarrassing incident where it took Ivor and another AV employee to close one of the offending bottom gates whilst the woman closed the other on her own! The laughter was heard at the next lock and it would seem a "Bastard boater" photographed the whole episode and posted the pictures on the net.

Behind the scenes AV is contacting ex-BW employees to see if anyone knows how to hang lock gates properly. It seems a long shot as BW sub contracted the work years before privatisation and some observers contend that's when the problems began.

Matt Black -- Trolley Rage

Police were called to a case of malicious damage at a supermarket near the Staffs & Worcs canal in Kidderminster. It appears a battered supermarket trolley covered in slime was repeatedly rammed into the store managers Audi car causing extensive damage to its black paintwork.

Security cameras showed a middle aged man in scruffy jeans, a hoodie and a blue baseball cap making rude gestures to a security camera nearby. A man from the local deaf school was brought in by Police to view the video footage. However, due to a mix up he was himself arrested for using obscene language. The phrase at the root of the trouble was believed to be "How do you effin like it winker"?

Police thought a member of the Provisional IWA could be responsible.

The Vole -- Bodies in the Cut

Following the recent spate of bodies found floating in canals AV is to start charging for their removal. As one AV executive observed, "If AV is having to play the role of undertaker then we should at least make some money out of it". (The fact that all executives at AV are on profit related pay is nothing to do with it! ....Ed)

A member of the AV marketing team said the rise in suicides etc showed that the awareness of the canal system was growing amongst the general public. At one time only boaters were found in the canals. (Progress of sorts then?.... Ed)

The Vole -- Iridium Licenses ?

Recently a meeting was called to discuss Iridium License issues.

Whilst the benefits of owning an IL were easy to define, priority at locks and water points, reserved premier 14 day moorings all over the system (with electric hookup of course....Ed) , etc.. etc.., some problem areas were identified.

How could safe passage be guaranteed in less than secure areas? Also it would only be a matter of time before one of the IL holders would sue AV for the damage that occurred to their boats paintwork whilst using the locks on the system. It was felt these problems would be not be too severe as it was unlikely an IL boat would ever get onto the cut itself, except by accident (or if the boat had been hi-jacked?... Ed)

However, the selection criteria used to test suitability for the IL proved a major stumbling block. Accounts were in favour of a straightforward credit check. However, the Finance Director, (reputed to be half Scottish half Yorkshire, but educated at Eton) pointed out that most people with real money had it well hidden or in their wife´s name so this process was not as straightforward as it first appeared.

One manager stated he had heard stories of people in the south selling their houses for a small fortune and moving onto a narrowboat. In one instance the person had a £350k narrowboat but came from Essex! To make matters worse the dog he had on board was a mongrel. Would you pay a premium over the Platinum mooring rate only to end up moored next to someone like that, he asked?

It was taken as read that Northerners with a broad accent would be disqualified automatically, but from an on-line application or E-Mail, how could one tell ? Perhaps some sort of spelling test or a videophone interview would have to be introduced ?

At that point the meeting broke up in disarray, this important issue, eligibility, unresolved.

The Vole.