Matt Black --- On the Move Again !

It has come to my attention that my E-mail postings to the site are being monitored. Certainly hackers are attempting to hack this site on a regular basis.

As such I am porting this site to http://www.ntnbn.wordpress.com

There updates are done via a secure server. Please bookmark this new address.

Matt Black

The Vole -- Blood on the Carpet

At times of great upheaval it's essential to have safe haven. Some have likened things here to "Day Zero" in Cambodia when Pol Pot took over. I've spent the last 2 months abroad and have returned to find much blood on the carpet.

The old MD was removed following a boardroom coup (a golden parachute softened the blow .... Matt). The new MD is a property man and what was the Property Division is now the core of AV(2010)PLC. The waterways side is effectively outsourced as AV(Waterways). Other than the name the only thing we know about the latter is it will be run by the ex Director of Change Mandy Botes. (No surprise there then).

On the Cut boaters have reacted vociferously to the announcement that the system will be shut down completely from November through March each year to save money. For many this was the final straw. In the past 5 years mooring prices have escalated, then red diesel disappeared, now the license only buys 7 months boating!

AV(2010)PLC is now besieged by protesting boaters and snowed under with E-Mails and much critical correspondence. Looking back people will see the seeds of this discontent were sown in 2006 with the DEFRA fiasco. Boaters rediscovered the spirit of the 50s and 60s and decided that if it took direct action to preserve the System then so be it.

Meanwhile, the asset stripping of the waterside property portfolio continues apace. All the old assurances regarding "sympathetic development" are being trotted out by Hugh Baton but no one believes a word. Liquidating Assets as quick as possible is the prime directive now.

Ivory Towers is now a shadow of it's former self. The property functions have been relocated, but to where is not clear. How many people does it take to organise a "for sale" sign on a property? Not many. Most of the new Board seem to work from their "existing" offices. You can draw your own conclusions from that.

What is clear a small number of directors are going to get very rich, but the Cut will continue it's slide into disrepair (Anyone remember MG ?.... Matt ). After all how can you make money out of the canals ( to quote the new MD)?

Rudolph Hooker -- A Lurcher's Life

I was sat in a canalside pub the other day sampling the local brew when a boater turned up with his dog, a lurcher. We got talking and I remarked that his dog was quite old. Yes came the reply from the boater, he doesn't walk far now, but he's happy living aboard and he can he can still lick his balls!

There really is no answer to that ........

Rudolph Hooker -- Supermarket Trolleys

It appears an employee of AV(2010)PLC ( who is on the redundancy list), decided to take the sort of action, at Kidderminster, that the management of AV should have organised years ago. (Perhaps they didn't have the balls.... Matt)

The chap in question, built up a stockpile of 50+ trolleys recovered from the nearby Cut and loaded them onto a tipper truck. In the early hours of Saturday morning he backed the truck up to the front doors of the offending store and dumped the lot!

Staff arriving at the store shortly before opening time were faced with a tangled mass of smelly, mangled, trolleys blocking the entrance. The store lost several hours trading as a result and the store manager was said to be furious.

A local boater photographed the proceedings, but confessed he thought his pictures might have suffered from camera shake. "I was laughing so much", he said "I should have used a tripod".

The Vole -- Congratulations ?

One area where AV(2010)PLC excels is self congratulation. This time it is Hugh Baton who gets most of the credit. What for you ask? In a document recently circulated to Board members Hugh was praised for his "control of the media". The MD's words no less. Hugh is known to have done deals with several editors of canal magazines such as Canalworld, but not many realize he also has done the same with one of the prominent canal web sites too.

Hugh feeds these tame editors snippets of information, of a trivial nature, but in return expects them to suppress other stories. If this fails, he told a senior manager, he slips them a juicy scoop which sends them off on the wrong tack. The real story AV wants to keep quiet, such as the closure of a boatyard, or the sale of canal-side property is then overlooked.

As Hugh said "I love it when a plan comes together".

Rudoph Hooker -- Headgear

Regular readers will know that I have mentioned this topic before, especially with regard to the banning of baseball caps in certain pubs. The other day, whilst having a pint or two with Chalkie White, we came up with a cracking idea that I thought I ought to share with you.

What boaters need is some sort of "official" headgear. If we could agree on a style then we could claim wearing it was part of our religion. ( I like the idea of being a Devout Boater .... Matt). Anyone being challenged in licensed premises for wearing the said headgear could then sue the owners on the grounds of religious discrimination.

Complex devices similar to turbans are not considered practical. However, perhaps we should include some sort of floatation device or a compartment for your boat keys ? So, when it's pouring down outside and the wind is howling, have a think about a suitable design for a "boaters" hat?

Please note. Don't worry too much if wearing your design makes you look a burk. Look at all those who cruise in Australian Bush hats. It doesn't seem to worry them. Perhaps we could persuade the IWA to take it up as their official headgear ?

Ms D. Vine -- Horn Blowing

On leaving Autherley Junction around a month ago on my narrowboat I was reprimanded by another boater for having a "feeble horn". It appears I was guilty of sounding the wrong number of blasts too.

My crew person was in hysterics. She said she'd never known me be associated with a feeble horn before! It was no surprise, therefore that a couple of weeks later a parcel arrived containing twin air horns. Not just common or garden air horns either. You can select 1 of 15 "tunes" for them to play at the touch of a button. Yesterday I left the Staffs & Worcs at Gt Haywood and joined the Trent & Mersey with a rousing rendition of "Colonel Bogey". Splendid!

It is now standard procedure the day prior to reaching a junction, to call a meeting of the horn committee. There we decide the most suitable tune to accompany our exit / entrance. Authentic canal procedure? Not at all, but everyone's aware of our presence and it gets a laugh.

The Vole -- Re-branding ?

None of my agents can get to the bottom of the relationship between the CanalShare boat hire company and AV(2010)PLC , but there's no doubt they get preferential treatment in AV owned marinas.

However, following several serious accidents which resulted in fatalities, something had to be done. A meeting was held here at Ivory Towers last week to discuss the safety issues. After several hours of often heated discussions , AV's safety officer (Dick Court)stormed off muttering expletives. I can now see why.

The only firm commitment from CanalShare was to change it's name and re-brand it's new fleet to shake off it's poor safety record.

Matt Black -- Restructuring Guru ?

Hugh Baton has issued a press statement informing the nation that as of the 1st of November Mandy Botes will be in charge of restructuring AV(2010)PLC in her role as Director of Change.

Penny for her thoughts ?

Ms D. Vine -- Cave Men

On the subject of accountants, if the world had always been run by them, we would still be living in caves for sure.

In accounting speak, how could you justify leaving premises that were free, secure and required no maintenance? To build houses would require the deployment of capital, time and effort, for what return? No chance sayeth the accountant.

Just keep this in mind when talking to your companies "Bean Counters". You are, in effect, talking to cavemen (cave persons?... Matt).

Rudolph Hooker -- Black Box ?

I was in a Canal side pub the other day talking to boater who had just witnessed a hire boat driven more like a dodgem. It had crashed into just about everything on it's way through a flight of 5 locks, in one case dislodging a substantial coping stone at a lock entrance.

This tallies with info from my friend in the hire boat industry who suspects the dramatic rise in damage to their craft is definitely not "accidental" Perhaps some sort of Black Box recorder was in order I ventured. With a GPS receiver an accelerometer, and a memory card, it would be possible to record where, when and severity of every impact Then the hirer could impose a surcharge based on that data.

Unfortunately, if Hamish Sidebotham FD of AV(2010)PLC got to hear of this device my companion pointed out, boaters would end up paying a mileage and lock surcharge as well as the Licence.

This "Accountant Mentality" has a lot to answer for.

Rudolph Hooker -- Online Moorings

AV Marinas(2010)PLC is concerned that, having finally got a decent marina on the Shroppie (at Wheaton Aston), a year on it's still almost empty. However, the miles of online moorings remain. The reason is, of course, cost. The cost of a marina berth is 3 times that of an online mooring.

Could this be why all the AV "Slow Moored Boats" signs have disappeared recently? A friend of mine in the hire business has heard on the grapevine that secretly AV hopes online moorers will get fed up with boats speeding by and go into the marina. My informant suggested that the partially AV owned hire company CanalShare is encouraging its hirers to ignore moored boats as well.

I myself became suspicious when certain AV friendly magazines such as Canal World have carried articles proclaiming speeding is not a problem if you moor up tight. Do I detect the work of Hugh Baton here ?